I realized that I'm lacking of personal expression.

I'm recently getting that a lot from my friends, including one special friend of mine.

I have seriously, no idea why.

Honestly, if I knew that I'm like this, why didn't I bother to change myself for all these while?

I have friends who are starting to bug me to express myself more often, and stuff like this, but I don't think it'll work.

I'm a less sympathetic, warm, gentle, and kind person. It was to my horror when I found out about these traits of mine. Really, am I? Maybe I'm sympathetic, warm, gentle, and kind towards animals, but not to people? But, why?

Maybe because of this, I don't have much closed friends, and even if I do, I won't be the first person whom they'll wanna rely on in terms of feelings and emotions. Does this very much explain why my feelings can never get through people whom I very much care about?

I'm not sure, but I think I finally knew why.

It must be my past experience. My past painful childhood experience.

It must be the memories that had already scared me for life.

It must be the people whom I had expressed so much to, but they had decided to leave me out of their life.

It must be... of so many factors which I'm still trying to figure it out WHAT.

But it might be also factors that never exist for me to talk about myself?

It must be the wrong timing and at the wrong place to let myself out?
Place and timing is important to set the emotion and feelings down.

It must be that no one had ever ask about me?
Why? Who? Where? What? When? How?
But no one had bother tried asking.

But it might also be the problem with ME.

I shut people out. I hide my feelings.

So much feelings that I hide, that I'm so afraid to show it to people.

So much feelings that I hide, that when I couldn't take it anymore, I have frequent emotional breakdowns.

When people ask, I always say NOTHING, but I know there's always something which I wanna tell.

But, why didn't I tell?

What's stopping me from telling?
Maybe I'm just scared to get hurt?

I seriously... DON'T. KNOW.

* * *

Maybe it's time that I open-up my heart and and speak up more through my heart.

To my people at least. It wouldn't be fair to them if I don't.

It's time that I learn how to forgive, love, and believe in myself.

I guess it's time to really show....

who I'm really am.

* * *

But if you start commenting that I'm still not expressing much about myself...

FUCK YOU lah.

This is who I'm really am.

I had enough of pleasing people so much, that I don't even know who or what am I myself.

So, this is me. Accept it or fuck off.