“It’s only been one day he has not spoken to me. Why is it bothering me so much? I should leave him alone; he’s busy with his work.”

Who would have known such a small voice inside my head, would make such a big fuss. From a small problem, the voice made it to a bigger problem. “Maybe he’s cheating on you. He could be lying, and not like he hasn’t done it before.” 

And the next thing I know, I was awake in bed in the wee hours of the morning, crying my balls out.

“What a cry baby,” logic Siew Lin says as she rolls her eyes.

“Shut up!” pouted emotional Siew Lin. “What if he could be having a ‘good’ time without me, but here I am all suffering by myself.” 

The question was, why am I always feeling and thinking this way? Doesn’t it feel tiring?

For more than 3years in the relationship, I never knew the answers.

That’s where I find out recently, that I might be having minor anxiety issues in my relationship 

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Note : Some examples and situations listed in this context is solely based on my negative judgment and experience, and may be too one sided. My partner may have done things which are worth praising and mentioning in the relationship, but at this moment, this article is focusing on my anxiety and my negative thoughts and how I'm dealing with it.

* * * 

The Problem 

The word “anxiety” and “depression” consistently appears in mental illness magazines / social media/articles, etc. What are the possibilities that these words trigger something in you? To me, it’s just another overused word to describe how family issues are driving those unfortunate people mad. Little did I know, I was one of them. 

It all started with my curiosity to know and understand why I was overthinking too much in the relationship. Clearly, in the first two years of the relationship, I wasn’t so crazy. But entering the 3rd year, things have taken a slight shift of the ship. Different priorities and unsought gratitude were taking a toll on both of us, and the only person who had felt so profoundly was me. My mind was over my head. My crying became more constant than before. My guts and feelings couldn’t take it anymore, especially whenever emotional issues were raised with my partner, we would end up in a big argument.

It wasn’t just one event; it was a compilation of small events that I packed it up and carried it with me because I felt so emotionally attached because of the words that were said, actions that were made which were all neglected due to improper handling (no proper communication and conclusion made). 

Realization 

It was driving me nuts, and I was searching for answers. For months, I read articles and watched a variety of videos from dating tips to psychology, to TED talks, convincing myself that neither party was putting the right efforts to solve the problem, but none to avail. The same inkling feeling still keeps creeping back like Smiggle and his Precious Ring. 

I thought I was just an emotional bitch and an overthinker. I planted that seed in my head and psychologically convinced myself I’m only a normal overthinking emotional female. Just when I finally came across this video that shares on the three attachment styles in the relationship which was founded by John Bowlby. 

The research shows that in a relationship, a person will predominantly inhibit either one of this style, which are secure attachment, anxious attachment, or avoidant attachment. Clear enough, it wasn’t so hard to know which type I fell into because all the characteristics fitted in quite perfectly. I was the anxious attachment type. 

I Googled to understand more, and along the way, I also researched on anxiety in relationships. The more I read, the more tears were starting to flood my eyes because finally, I understood myself. A person who has anxiety, overthinks, feels insecure, feels doubtful in the relationship, and treats the partner hot and cold. These were the factors that describe me the most. To double confirm it, I even took a relationship personality test. 

I overthink when my partner didn’t fulfil his promises, when he doesn’t reply to my text messages on time, when he takes my time for granted, when he doesn’t say sorry when he knows he’s in the wrong, and many more. I feel insecure when he doesn’t want to include me in important events, when I’m the only who regularly takes initiative to do most of the things in the relationship, like being the first to always text him, planning for future activities (traveling/concerts/events), planning for things to do during the weekend, and many more. I felt doubtful in the relationship, when I don’t get the validity I need to feel love in the relationship, when there were no discussion plans on planning a future together, when he places more priority in his work and other matters than the relationship, and many more. With the result of the above, I would sometimes, out of the sudden, go cold on my partner and treat him like he doesn’t deserve anything nice from me. 

I connected all the dots and events during the relationship that made me feel this way, and it finally all made sense. 

On the other hand, I was angry at myself because it took me so long to finally realize this, and the other half of me was too ashamed to admit that I was one of those people who have anxiety. The realization made me all scared of a sudden and I didn’t know what to do except to cry on until I finally accepted my fear as my best friend. 

Acceptance 

This anxiety is merely subconscious, and it happens without me being able to think it through. Reason being is because the emotions were already deeply in-rooted in mind during a traumatic experience since young. From the articles that I have read, it all boils down to the childhood and the family upbringing that the person (who is experiencing anxiety) that made them like this. 

So, what was the reason for my anxiety? Fear & Insecurity. 

Fear :

1. I fear that my relationship will end up in the same situation as my divorced parents. 
2. I fear that my current partner, who might end up as my future husband, will turn out to be the same person as my father– A person who will ditch the family to go out to achieve his ambitions and financial goals while the wife will have to do all the work while raising the kids. 
3. I fear that when my partner overspends or is too heavily invested in financial stuff, one day, when all things fail, no job, no money, and end up in bankruptcy, he will place the burden on the wife– just like my dad. 
4. I fear that when my partner stops showing any interest in me, it means that he may be interested in someone else outside from the relationship– just like my dad. 

Insecurity :

1. I don’t feel emotionally supported 
2. Why can’t my partner be initiative instead of me initiating all the time? 
3. Doesn’t my partner care for me anymore? 
4. I don’t think I’m good enough for him. I think he deserves someone better. 
5. I think I deserve someone better. I deserve to be happy. 
6. Will I be ever truly happy? Will I find happiness after when I’m married? 

The fear created countless thoughts of insecurities, but these were just the major ones. After knowing that the fear and insecurities were the result of my traumatic childhood experience, I gave myself the space to forgive myself. 

I don’t come from a perfect family, and this has made me imperfect. 

I allowed myself to feel that I’m broken and imperfect. That’s why with all efforts, I would by very best, try to refrain the past from repeating and try to be perfect for myself and my children in the future. 

Looking at the bright side, I wouldn’t have known that I have anxiety if I wasn’t in a relationship, but now that I did, I accepted that I’m fragile and imperfect, and I must start treating myself with more caution and care. 

Sharing 

The first person to receive this unfortunate news was no other than my boyfriend. I was trying to calm myself before I talked to my partner about my anxiety, but my emotions got too much out of hand, and I bombarded him when he wasn’t available to me. I didn’t felt terrible for him, because it seems he was trying to brush it off just because I was exaggerating. 

I shared my anxiety with a few of my other friends, and although it wasn’t supposed to help me recover, it definitely made me felt better. 

Sharing the vulnerability side of me, makes me feel much stronger, and somehow it releases the negativity inside of me. That’s why when you have a problem; it definitely helps when you share. 

Moving On 

As of now, I have not fully cured myself from this anxiety of mine, as I’m still stuck between the process of acceptance and moving on. 

I have already made a list of things to do for myself and the support I need from my partner. To overcome my anxiety in the relationship, it takes two self-aware couple to help each other out, and I hope this will work things out for myself and my partner. 

While I try to work on myself, these are the factors that I would appreciate if my partner does for me : 

1. To be open and vulnerable to his feelings when it’s the right time 
2. - To reassure me that everything is okay, and he will be by my side to support me through the hard times 
3. To praise and encourage me often, even if the things I’ve done are imperfect and not comparable to his oh-so-perfect standards. 
4. To show gratitude and appreciation through words and actions 
5. To take the initiative to communicate through text/call often to keep up to date with each other when meeting up physically is not available 
6. Never leave unresolved issues no matter how late it is, how tiring it is, and how emotional it is. If there are problems that cannot be resolved, remind each other that we can go through this together, and even if we don’t have a solution for it now, maybe soon in the future we’ll find it out 
7. Follow through the things you say that you will do and be consistent about them 

On myself, I will work on the following : 

1. When starting to overthink, take a deep breath and remind myself to be okay with overthinking because I have all the rights in the world due to my anxiety 
2. Stop myself midway before going too deep into overthinking 
3. Workout more to tire out the mind and the muscles 
4. Keep myself busy with meaningful projects, and to achieve my goals 
5. Communicate and share my feelings more to my partner, family and friends
6. Be more appreciative and grateful to my partner

Throughout the years, I ventured down the journey of life to understand myself better, both emotionally and physically. The past indeed made me for who I am today, and I’m very thankful for that. It has made me much stronger and independent, and without it, I wouldn’t become me today. 

However, in the relationship, it’s another ball game. You’ll never truly love yourself until you meet your other half. Why? Because here comes the challenge of trying to split the love between the two of you, how to care for yourself, while also caring for the other? Relationships are not just meant for two people to be together. It’s also a process of getting to know oneself more. At the same time, you will get to understand your partner too. But at this moment, after knowing about my anxiety, caring for myself at this current stage is more critical to me than my partner. Only when I feel assisted to care for myself more; only then, my love will be enough and ready to be shared with my partner.

I can't do this. I'm so tired. I'm hungry, and I have a long day at work, and I don't think I can do this.

My inner voice spoke to me while I was swimming my way back from my 14th lap. My heart was beating too fast, and I didn't felt relax at all. What's wrong with me?

After this lap, I'm just gonna get out, shower and go back. Today is not my day.

Siew Lin, I know you're tired, but you can't quit. Another voice spoke to me. Let's have a deal. You swim freestyle 50m, and the balance you're allowed to finish it with a breaststroke.

Ok deal.

 

But that breaststroke didn't happen. Instead, I swam freestyle all the way, cheating my feelings and ignoring the physical pain and anguish, like how I would trick myself in every other training. Promising myself that that would be the last of my suffering, but only to make myself go through with more.

After reaching the end, I pull up my goggles and rest my left arm on the floating divider. I was panting too hard and was trying to bring my breath down before I continue the balance of my 1.3km swim. It was only 7.30pm, and I've been in the pool for only 45minutes. Let me emphasize the word, "ONLY" because I had to complete the balance set before 8.30pm.

I felt my friend on the next lane, was staring at me. He must be judging my strokes as he looks at me distinctly from a distance when swimming my way back. He advised me to bring my arms higher in the air, and sure enough, that was not what I did. That should be something that I should be doing, but my arms felt like I was lifting rocks. I know my strokes were all out of place after the 500m mark, and honestly, I couldn't care less. I was demotivated and tired.

"So tired." 

I threw out the words like a losing gambler throwing out his last deck of cards.

 Physically, I was tired. My arms were aching. My neck felt stiff. And my breath was not regulated as usual compared to my other swimming days. I should not have skipped that one punch man challenge that I was supposed to do yesterday. In actual fact, the challenge was quite helpful in maintaining my muscles strength.

My friend scoffed a little.

 "Then good luck to you."

That sounded a bit sarcastic from him.

"You better work hard lo. Don't forget you sign up for the 5km swim in November."

 "I think I'm starting to feel like I regret it. Why did I even sign up?"

"Hor. I don't know about you lo."

"Hey! You're the one who got me into this lo. I got peer pressured to join the 5km because of you leh. I've never even swam 2km before in my life lor."

"Haiya! Don't worry la. You can swim one."

"Of course I definitely can swim, just need a longer time to swim lo. Can't swim freestyle, swim breaststroke lo."

He nodded in silence as he stared into space. Maybe looking at the end of the pool.

Maybe the only thing I need right now is to be alone. To be convinced that I could do this by myself and not be bothered with the right techniques and timing.

Somehow I know that I can do it. But I just wish someone could go up to me and say "I know you can do it. You're good at whatever you're doing. If you had run two marathons, this is nothing to you! You're better off than me, and you're quite adventurous and brave to do such a thing! I know you're tired, but it's gonna be worth it. I have trust in you, and I believe you can do it."

If only someone could assure me and reminded me of these words. I would definitely keep going even though I was already tired in the pool.