"Are you happy?“ he asked.

The true test of self-awareness begins only when you’re in a relationship. I can honestly say this because in all dating occasions, we’ll be spending most of the time with our partner, either doing things together or having an intimate talk. With our senses (thoughts and physical contact) being focused on our partner, it’s hard to be engaged with our internal thoughts at any point of time.

3 years into the relationship, I’m blessed that being consciously aware of feelings and thoughts of myself and my partner, has helped me overcome difficult moments in my relationship. So I hope by sharing some of the things I have learned from my awareness experience would benefit those who wants to have a happier and stronger relationships.

But before reading further, please take note that this article doesn’t define me as a relationship guru or a relationship expert adviser. Even if I do, I would have gotten my 3rd side income job as a relationship consultant. This article is solely base on my personal experience and the practices/learnings that I have read from various research.

Below are the list of things that awareness has helped me in my relationship areas.

Awareness has helped me :

* * *

1. To Understand Why I Demand Things From My Partner

At many situations, I found myself giving instructions to my partner, and requesting a few favours from him. Even with the simplest things such as asking him to fetch me from Point A to Point B, taking out the trash, and many others may seemed like a thing that I should be doing myself, but after being too comfortable and too used to this habit, it became a natural thing to do.

At most times, my partner gladly obliged to my request, but some other times, he seemed distant from my never ending request, and when he doesn’t fulfil those requests, I become too emotional and will start overthinking and overreacting. This can last from days and weeks, which is quite depressing. Thoughts like : “Doesn’t he love me anymore?”, “Doesn’t he care for me?” “Next time marry liao, and he don’t help me, I think I will have a fail marriage leh.”

Yes, I know. These thoughts may seem ridiculous, but forgive my female hormones, they allowed me to think this way.

To be honest, I do feel bad for my partner sometimes for being too “demanding”, but I have no idea why I have such habit of being so “demanding”. Only after a friend of his, Derrick Tan, introduced this “5 Love Language” survey to us, I became more aware of why I behave that way. With my “Act of Service” as my highest score of my love language, this explains why I was so “demanding” of my partner, solely because I can never trust the words of a man until I see actions from him. This enlightened me on a whole new level and helped me to understand the intentions on why I want my partner to do certain things. Because for him to do even the simplest things for me, like washing the dishes, would means so much love to me.

2. To Prevent Hurting My Partner Feelings With My Hurtful Words

At any bringe of the moment during an argument, when emotions are high, and I couldn’t think straight, the tendency for me to lash out words as a last straw of defence is very high. And most of the time, these were harshful words to hurt my partner, sometimes intentionally.

I was aware that they were words that were gonna hurt, but when I reflected on why I intentionally used them against him, it was maybe because if my partner had spoken a little different to me, things would have been different. Maybe if my partner had spoken in a softer tone, or structured his words to sound much pleasant to the ears unlike the usual negative, full-of-himself, and judgemental opinions, I wouldn’t have reacted like a grenade.

But then again, you can’t fight fire with fire. If I backlash him with hurtful words, it’s either he will feel hurt, or he will counter attack me with even nasty words to hurt me. So, instead of changing his pattern of communication, I decided to stay as fucking calm as possible even when I want to throw a table across his face.

To prevent this from happening, especially during heated arguments, I tried to learn how to take DEEP breaths before saying anything. It helps me to compose my mind and acknowledge the words that I actually wanted to say to him, which may sound like : “I don’t think you care”, “It’s not like you care anymore”, “You never put enough effort in the relationship”, “You never tried anything new, you’re such a boring person”.

I would then take a step back and analyse if by saying these words, will it be :

- Beneficial to my partner and I?

- Will it help to solve the problem?

If the answer is no to the above, it becomes easier for me to talk to my partner about the problem in a gentler and kinder manner. The breathing is helpful as it gives me more time to think through my words and allow me some time to process the consequences on what’s gonna happen if I say those words to my partner.

3. To Know That I’m Wrong and How I Shouldn’t Be a Bitch Sometimes

Sometimes I feel bad for my partner, because I know I can be a nuisance sometimes, trying to cook up some drama just because he didn’t give in to me, or I was just acting too much like a kid.

Being aware and reflecting on the reason why my partner is mad at me is a pretty tough thing to do. The typical stereotype will always say that females always act in a way that a man has to always guess on what they did wrong. Unfortunately, man also has this same issue too. They won’t tell you their feelings, and what went wrong, and what you did wrong. Thus, it requires lots of patience and thinking especially when your partner doesn’t tell you why he was upset with you in the first place. Nevertheless, simple things that I have observe and take note of are the tone of his voice, body language, and the sudden change of his behaviour. If anything of these symptoms arises, it’s clearly to say that, it’s either I’m wrong, or it’s just not his day.

Knowing I’m wrong is fine, but it won’t do much help if I don’t apologize. Although it can be hard sometimes, especially when you know that you’re not in the wrong, and it’s even harder to mutter the word “sorry” because it somehow hurts your ego or pride. However, I would rather let it hurt my ego, rather than let my relationship end because of it.

So at times, when I was about to say sorry, I felt like my heart went through a bypass surgery. My organs felt like they were about to explode, I felt like I rather ran a full marathon than say sorry, I felt someone blasted my skull with a Kar98k, and I would rather slam a table at my partner face than say sorry. But in the end, I still said “sorry”.

I’m also aware of these kind of emotions and discomfort feeling arises from time to time, but I’m learning how to be okay with that feeling. Because I know many “sorries” would save me from ending a beautiful relationship in the future.

4. To Communicate My Objectives / Intentions to My Partner Better, Without Blowing Up Like a Cannonball

Fights and arguments never end because we have expectations on our partner. It’s even worse when our partner doesn’t know what are our expectations and intentions are. Our partner may not know this, as we ourselves, gets too engross into arguing with them, that we fail to remind them on our objectives and intentions, and the reason why we’re so mad at them for not fulfilling our expectations.

Many times, I told myself that I mustn’t have expectations, but us being humans, it just pops out of nowhere like a pimple on your face. So, yes, I do have expectations. In fact, in my opinion, it’s actually healthy to have expectations because it shows that you want to improve your relationship and you want to be happy with your partner.

During most of our misunderstandings and when he’s displeased with me for something, I would remind him again why I did XYZ in a kind, gentler manner. “I hope you could help me do XYZ because I was hoping we could finish it together faster, so we can watch a movie later”, “The reason why we came to this restaurant that you find it disgusting, because I know this was your favourite food, but I fail to realize on how bad it was L.”, “I wanted us to come here even though it’s quite far, because I thought it would be romantic to spend time with you alone.”

Maybe once our partners know our true intentions and objectives (in a sincere and gentler way), that they wouldn’t be so mad/annoyed at us afterall? So far in my experience, it does help. Because it helps balance out on what he wants, and what I want in a relationship.

* * *

Self-Awareness in a relationship has great benefits to both parties, but it will not be easy if one of our partner is lacking of it or does not have any knowledge/practice of it.

If you think awareness has helped you in your relationship, do share in what situation did it help you during the most difficult times?

Yeah, being in love is fun and all... while it actually lasts. There's no point being in love without acknowledging and observing the feelings that brings you to a through the journey of an roller coaster ride. At some point, there were feelings where I felt over the top of the world, but there were times where I also felt confused about the relationship, and even with myself. So, here I am, writing what these feelings and experience were during my relationship.

Stage 1 : The Beginning of all Relationships

They always say the beginning is one of the exciting phase. It's the "chase" phase where all the sweet stuff that one person or the other is willing to do for you. And trust me, both of us became a "yes" person. There was one time where he was suppose to go for a rock climbing session with his friends at Putrajaya, and I asked whether he would like to have lunch with me. And, he literally did drive 30minutes to my house just to see me have my lunch before he went to have lunch with his friends. I know he was happy enough to see me, but I felt horrible for him coming all the way here to see my "yong sui" face. And, there was me, making an impulse decision to join the "50km Ultra Trail Run", thinking it was definitely gonna be a fun thing to make him happy or to impress him. But, fuck me, it was beyond what I'm capable of. Ever since then, I promise myself to not make his life so difficult with my ridiculous suggestions, and also not to do stupid things which I memang cannot do.

Yeah, sure. The beginning is one of the "butterflies in the stomach" moments where you wished to last forever. To be honest, I really did enjoy this stage. It was those date nights that you really looked forward to over the weekend, and hectic work days. I held on to those moments where I knew it wouldn't last forever in the later part of the relationship because I foresee it was going to happen somehow, someday. So, the only thing I did was to take pictures and write down those moments somewhere secretly to remind myself why I had to chose him from the start.

Stage 2 : Getting to Know You

At this stage, things are still interesting as it's still the "getting to know each other" phase. Interests, and hobbies start coming around in each other's life. There were a few things he introduced to me which were mainly hiking and living a healthy lifestyle. Well, frankly speaking, hiking wasn't my cup of tea, but he offered me a pair of hiking shoes that somehow made me make a pact with God's nature. His hiking skills is overflowing good, which made me look like a noob.

"If you fall, just fall for me." We always joked at each other.

Besides hiking, the only thing that was so important to him was health. I remembered how excited he was that he wanted to present the healthy lifestyle guideline to me, at Magnum, Mid Valley. I was pretty impress with his efforts in putting the presentation together, and thus decided to give a try on this healthy lifestyle. With weekly high intensity exercises, and healthy eating, but it never lasted for a month. I realize it wasn't something I could really appreciated.

Somehow, at this stage, we started showing our flaws and bad habits. I learned that he was a specific and particular person which sometimes I felt annoyed when I tried to share things with him. There wasn't a time where he won't stop picking my words and meanings, even when I just wanted to complain or share the bigger picture of everything. Small things like this get us into tiny arguments, but will literally get resolved.

Stage 3 : Stability Stage

This stage, is currently the stage that I'm currently in. I think it lasted for around 3 weeks and s expected to be more if we don't sort things out. Right now, things are pretty shaky at this moment, relationship discussions became tiny arguments, which seems never resolved. There was a serious talk between us which made me a shelter bomb, exploding things which I didn't really get to express. After that talk, I decided to change for the better, at least for our relationship, upholding the fact on what was important to him and us. I changed my diet plan, not entirely, but slowly. I began to take up cooking again, I begin doing exercise which I hate doing, but also balancing with the exercises which I enjoyed too (e.g.: badminton, jogging).

He's being really cold to me lately. I'm not sure whether he's being stressed out at work which made him that way. His texts never came frequently as it always does anymore. Only making time for dinner or lunch or movie. He becomes slightly flustered and unwilling to share when I ask him for tiny advice on health stuff, which is so unlikely of him. Now, I'm starting to see the true colours side of him, which somehow slightly hurts my heart.

"I feel like I'm doing it alone."

"I enjoyed spending my time with you."

I'm not sure what he really meant by that, or maybe I was overthinking? Somehow the tears won't stop flowing each time it rings in my head, fearing that everything will end in the end. Now I know how much it hurts when someone who meant a lot to me, wanted to leave. Somehow, in my heart, he meant a great deal to me.

We have yet to come to an agreement, and understanding to rectify both our issues and relationship objectives, which I'm hoping to resolve it before the year ends. It's difficult to tell how things will turn out for now.

(last recorded 28th December 2016

Stage 4 : Comfortability & Taken For Granted

Saturday date nights became routined. Somehow, I have gotten used his flaws and imperfections. I have gotten patient with him, explaining shits and emotions to him. For him, he gave up trying to advice me on things which I either never do what he says or never listened to him. He just let's me bump into walls, even at things which were sometimes dangerous. He only did things for me only when it's convenient for him and it's under his forte.

I wasn't sure enough for him, but he gave me the feeling that he had stopped trying. 

There was more silence in our conversations and he was into his games more than having me around. There was no growth factor and I was getting tired it.

There were lots of arguments, but he was never a person to conclude the arguments with a solution, and I have to force the solution out of every argument there is. However, he always gives excuses to run away and avoid talking about problems upfront until I have to confront him. Every. Single. Time.

I told us to take a break. For 2 weeks.

He never bothered to find me.

I had to be the first to approach him before he agreed to take another shot in the relationship.

After getting back together, I started off on the wrong foot.

I took him for granted and I wanted him to do things that only pleases me because he was the one that hurt me the most before the break. It was my sort of revenge.

I felt guilty of it, and since then, I didn't bother trying to be the exciting person I once was.

I learned that I was an anxious person, but even after telling him, he didn't believe me much and wasn't mindful enough to meet my needs. I learnt he was an avoidant person, and it finally makes sense why he starts to push me far away far when things get bad between us, and why I keep yearning for his love and attention. It felt like this whole relationship became so toxic but yet, I still choose to stay because I love him and wanted to fix things.

Less did I know, sometimes broken things are meant to stay broken, because despite the number of times you choose to fix things, it will never perform as good as it used to be. Over time, the performance just gets worse.

Stage 5 : The Break Up

It was over. We broke up.

Neither of us was expecting it. But to be honest, I've been preparing for this. This exact moment.

You said you were unhappy for two years and might feel better if we were apart.

You kept all the resentment in your heart and never told me anything.

So let me grant you your wish you've always wanted.

I packed abit of my belongings.

Lie it bed

"Can I still cuddle you?" He said.

"No." I said coldly.

But my heart immediately broke and I turned to him with my arms around him. And I wailed.

We both cry together that very last night together. Arms in arms.

We talked about the things we've learned from each other. The secrets that I've never told him.

He wished me the best. To find someone better than him.

Though he gave all his good wishes to me, all I wanted him was to suffer.

"I don't think you're ready for a relationship."

"After this? Yes, that's for sure."

"I mean not just after this. I think it's ever."

"You really want it to happen? Will that make you happy?"

I paused for a long time.

Let's do it nicely siewlin, break it off nicely.

"Maybe."

I woke up at 8am the next day. Prepared myself some simple breakfast and wished his mom good morning. That will probably the last time I spoke and see her. I didn't say anything about us, but I know I was going to miss her dearly.

I packed the rest of my stuff, clothes, shampoo, skincare, face masks, and the bedsheet. Oh yes, the bedsheet. The one I bought for him but he doesn't appreciate it.

By the time he woke up, it was 10am++. I told him I needed to go home.

While he washed up, I went around with one last look to see if I missed anything.

He saw me carrying the bag of bedsheets

"Really?" He said

"It's mine." I said coldly. "You can have the blanket. I don't need it."

I took everything and walk down. Never looking back.

I left without saying goodbye. But it's OK, no one will ever miss me.

We didn't say a thing throughout the whole journey home.

I turned on some music to fill the empty silence between us.

He was crying, I know.

And I was too.

I secretly wished he had said something.

To want me back. To say sorry. To give us, yet another chance. 

But nothing of that happened.

It's as if it was the drive of doom, and we were both driving to our last destination.

I believe we did appreciate the company and silence we had on our last time being together. I know we both did. If not we wouldn't have cried.

The hardest part was yet to come. It was the moment when I left to retrieve his stuff. His otter, some of the pictures and albums that had his face in it. I never wanted to be reminded of him. Ever.

I placed the bag at the passenger seat, and have one last look at him.

I knew that was the hardest thing that I have to do. I saw his sad teary eyes as he looked at me the last time as I said take care and goodbye. 

I knew both of us were gonna cry. I closed the door and walk off. I turned back, hoping he would come running to me and say don't leave but nothing dramatic like that happen. 

I rushed upstairs, just to take a last view of his car. I knew he needed some time to cry and shake things up before driving. and finally, he drove away. Maybe that was the last time I'll ever see him again. 

And so it ended. Just like that. 

And we both moved on with our lives.

18th February 2016 - 8th March 2020

If you wanna do something, go all the way.

Same goes with relationships,

if you wanna love someone, love them all the way.

You can't just love person-X half-heartedly,

and go to person-Y telling them that you miss them.

Love doesn't work like that.

At least for me.

My feelings and heart is not for you to play with.

Is either you get things straight, or you don't do it at all.

Don't toy with me. I'm not a toy to play with.

* * *

"Sometimes you have to walk away from people,

* * *

I'm sorry, but I've decided to stop caring about you.

You were just another piece of my memories.

"But keep in mind one very important thing:

If you love someone, then your one and only job is to make that person happy.

If you don’t believe you can make him or her happy, then accept the fact that it will never work."

-Paul Hudson from Elite Daily

"I miss you..." I said.

There was a long pause, but he calmly answered,"Hmm... Why orh?"

"I don't know," I broke down. "Of so many people, I have to miss you the most."

* * *

Remember back then in your car?

It was that night....

... that I missed your presence.

I miss the look on your face when I gave you your favourite chocolates... 

... and that ridiculous arm wrestling we did in the car.

Wow. So unromantic of us.

But it doesn't matter.

Because true enough, I still miss that moment of us.

I miss us.

I miss you.

But I'm not sure whether you miss me too.

* * *

I should have taken that advantage to spend the rest of my night with you that night.

But I didn't. I don't know why.

You know, I used to be so girly back then.

Wearing short frenzy skirts and looking out for cute guys and all...

Laughing and giggling like any normal girls do.

But then it stopped.

I don't know why.

Guys outfits became my style back then,

and true enough. I was a tomboy.

And maybe because I got my heart trenched in so many situations,

that the only option left for me,

is to only depend on me.

And now, there's the girly side of me again.

Skirts, shorts, and dresses became my style again,

but the giggling and laughing stop.

I stop looking at guys now.

No matter how handsome they are, I won't bother flirting with them.

* * *

It's so weird.

Knowing that guys like girls being dependent on them,

because it makes them feel like they are their 'hero'.

But for all this while I've been depending on myself and no one else.

It's so hard to find my 'hero' when I am my own hero.

I'm probably the most coldest girl ever.

Of course I do like girly things, but I'm just too manly enough to not express it.

Maybe because of that, I hardly let down my guards and walls, and show the need for anything.

To anyone ever.

Maybe one day I will,

but to whom I'm not sure.

Maybe I don't need a hero,

I need a sidekick.

A kick-ass sidekick.

So,

would you be that sidekick for me?

You know you've found the perfect guy/girl,

when he/she is the only reason for your happiness

and yet you can still can be yourself around him/her.

How does it feel when you miss someone?

A lot of things... I guess?

* * *

She misses a lot of things about him, even though she knew he wasn't meant to be...

*

... but knowing whether he misses her...

... is a story that she'll never know.

But, somewhere in her heart, she secretly hopes...

... that he misses her too.