2022 started off great for me..... Until I was diagnosed with Stage 4 cancer.

I spent the rest of the year learning to understand the physical changes my body is currently going through from my treatments. Navigating fluctuating emotions from time to time was also hard as I battle against depression and self-entitlement. I had to put on hold on a lot of things. Like training for ironman, marriage and family planning, and alot of high risk activities that I wanna try.

With all of that going on, the only thing I did well this year, was to only live. 

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Missing my Kalyana Mitras and feeling a little hand itchy. I’ve decided to brave through Covid-19 and continue #shuttletuesday. We also celebrated our 300th #shuttletuesday! Can you believe it? #shuttletuesday has been running since 2014! If you would like to join, drop me a PM!

A stupid and brainless decision that caused the cable to snap. My car, attached to the cable, went rolling down the hill and smashed into a row of cars. The weird thing was, I wasn't at all surprised it happened. My 6th sense has already foresaw that it'll happen because I told the mechanic it's better that I remain seated in the car. In case anything happens, I can pull the handbrake. The mechanic told me, no need. Trusting his mechanic expertise, I trusted him. But damn. How wrong I was. My car was fine. A few scratches, but still fine. The Proton Saga Iswara however, had suffered a crushed bumper and backlights. I paid RM1.4k for the total damaged :’)

What started out as a terrible and embarrassing first date on Christmas Eve, slowly became a budding relationship over the course of the year. He was a total opposite of me. Well, in a good way. He speaks with energy and optimism. He knows his way with food (very important. I don’t know how to date guys who don't know how to eat good food). And sometimes, he roams about like a curious little boy. Getting to know him made me realize how a healthy relationship and family should look like. I felt safe to express and be myself. I no longer felt anxious. Because of that, I stuck long enough to still have him around.

Meeting up with friends to catch up on life. Song ian, Wei Wing, Haw Lun, Jon, Ron, and Amy were some of the few I met this year.

Double AZ vaccinated and Double Pfizer boosted. I can now travel the world!

Knowing the fact that Covid-19 is here to stay, I decided to continue my swim classes. My proudest moments were when some of my long-time students before Covid-19 had finally graduated.

Went roller skating for the first time at Rollerwa. Few months later, SanSan introduced me to an inline skating crash course. It was a good sweat and body coordination workout. Marching like dinosaurs and keeping our heels in V-shape! Throughout the whole session, I had never fallen! Not even once! Pretty cool! But I'm not sure if my muscle memory still remembers how to skate now hahaha. Also, I bumped into my junior, QiRui too!

Over the years, I discovered that the origin of my anxiety came from my traumatic experience during my primary school days. I wanted to make peace with it and I finally did. Also, I met up with my primary school friend, Daniel and my ex-tuition teacher too!

Heard alot about this lake, so I brought my colleagues and Cheah Lai Cheong to go together! The lake was magical and serene. Kayaking around the lake was a lot of work, but the hike was really as hard as they say! We took a shortcut out from the forest, but it turns out, we couldn’t get any e-car services around the housing area. In the end, I took the bravery to hitch a ride from a total stranger. Thanks to the friendly gentlemen, we managed to get to our cars in 10-minutes and drove back to “rescue” my colleagues.

With my wall starting to peel, I decided to repaint my wall and rearrange the furniture to the best of my feng shui directions. The only thing I did differently this time is that a white foundation was painted before proceeding to paint the main colour. Fast forward, the room looks cleaner and brighter than my previous one. Then again, I couldn't have done it without my friends who came over to be my “construction” worker. Thanks Alvin, Sara and Yean Lynn for helping me to scrap and paint my wall!

The fact I started gardening was because I needed some greens in my new room. At the same time, Alvin donated an eggplant for me to play with (unfortunately, it died lol). Because of that, I started becoming interested in experimenting with some of my kitchen vegetable scraps and to plant things that I like to consume. I became fascinated by how some plants need lots of love and patience to grow, but others can grow independently on their own. I think humans are like that too.

Signed up for my first Triathlon, not knowing it was an Olympic distance at first! Thank god my anxiety pushed me to be prepared! In a week, I made sure I did at least one swim, one run, one cycle, one leisure workout (badminton), and one brick workout for 2-months. The brick workouts really break me the most. After every brick workout, I felt my body could crash and sleep on the spot! During race day, I had a panic attack. Suddenly, I was worried that something would go wrong with my bike. I had zero knowledge on bike fixing, and if anything would happen on my bike, it is game over for me. 50m till the end of the swim leg, my toe started to cramp but I just kept swimming till the finishing line. After exiting the lake, the cramp escalated to my left calf. I was limping from my bike station to the bike mount area. Fortunately, the cramp subsided and my bike was all good. I finished strong in 3h38m.

If you like outdoor and water activities, SUP is definitely something that you’ll enjoy. It requires a good balance of the body, a strong ‘feel’ of the water, water confidence, and flexible quads and ankles. During the 2 hours crash course, the only thing texting was my quads and ankles as you are required to kneel a lot! RIP Quads.

I did my full body check up and my annual breast check up at the end of March. My body check up results came back with good results. However, my doctor pointed out that something was amiss from my ultrasound breast report. A biopsy was done and the doctor confirmed that there was a lump on my breast. The cancer had come back. I didn’t agree with his further treatments, hence, I went to seek a 2nd and 3rd opinion. One of the doctors suggested that I do a Positron emission tomography(PET) scan. To do a PET scan, a radioactive liquid is injected into the bloodstream. The camera sensor picks out on the radioactive substance in the body and gives a clear imaging of tumours/cancers detected in the body. Pretty cool stuff, but what was to come next, changed my life forever.

My PET scan report came out, and after confirming with 2 different doctors, it was confirmed as Stage 4. I was in disbelief. Not only that the cancer came back, it had spread to my bones. A 5-year survival rate for Stage 4 Metastatic Breast Cancer was only 29%. I was dealing with the 71% possibility that I won’t be able to live for more than 5-years. Treatment began immediately once I met my oncologist. I was given hormone suppressor pills, and instead of administering chemo drips, I was given chemo in a form of pills. The drugs worked. My 2nd PET scan in August, shows that the cancer spots have disappeared. Still, it was a lifelong journey to go to beat cancer.

After being diagnosed with Stage 4 cancer, I didn’t want to continue working in a fast paced environment anymore. I completed my projects and I had already set my mind to resign once and for all. During one of my annual performance reviews, I was greeted with a promotion. I was shocked. Shocked not because of the promotion, shocked because the monetary increment was so hard to say no. At that point, I was already at my lowest point of my life, and to be able to receive this news was music to my ears. Of course I can't say no la. XD

Always wanted to explore this tourist site. The lights were pretty, but longkang not pretty. Can’t believe they spend RM4 billion on this longkang. Give money to treat cancer patients also better la.

My cancer medications started to kick in and the first thing I noticed, I was starting to lose my hair. I wasn’t sure if I was going bald, but I wanted to make sure that my hair is well off with someone who needs it.

After 3 months of no period, menopause symptoms started to kick in. From hot flashes, dry skin, tingling pain sensations, weight gain, and worst of all osteoarthritis. I was observing my body deteriorating and aging faster than usual. The side effects were a lot for me to deal with and I was in and out of depression for months. For women who go through menopause, they are at higher risk of getting heart diseases and osteoporosis. I still wonder, if it’s better for me to die from cancer, or die from the side effects of my cancer medications?

My first experience Living On Board (LOB) for 4d3n in Tioman. Visibility was clear and I saw jellyfish for the first time! Also my first time experiencing Mal de Debarquement syndrome, or in layman terms, “sickness of disembarkment”. I thought LOB was the end of my diving trip because I didn’t know what was my next step in my cancer treatments. After some time, I decided to go ahead with the Sipadan trip. Luckily I did, and I have no regrets. It was the best time of my life! Not because of the pretty fishes lol but because I experienced the least side effects from the medications :’) And my dear girls–YY, Charlotte, YC and Kai Lin–made the trip more memorable for me.

To celebrate my promotion and 6-monthsary with Ed, I booked a nice getaway with a private jacuzzi nicely tucked away at a quiet corner of Genting. Imagine. Watching the stars above you, as you soak in a hot tub. Surrounded by the cold night air and the sounds of the forest and river. That was exactly how it went. However, as romantic as it sounds, I fell really ill the next day. Mainly because of the cancer treatments I had undergone the same day as the trip.

Together with Lai Yixuan, we went to Bhante Aggacitta hiking retreat at Sasanarakkha Buddhist Sanctuary (SBS). It was a nostalgic moment being back in SBS again. However, my immune system was still critically low since Genting, and I had fever on and off during the first 2 days of the retreat. The open-eye meditation was an eye opener for me (pun intended hahaha) and the biggest highlight of the trip.

One of the days when I was working from home, an incident broke out from my flat. A young boy fell off from the 4th floor of our flat. The aunties were frantic and didn’t know what to do. I immediately called the emergency hotline. I was calm, but yet at the same time, dam-fucking-9-lan-7-gancheong because I didn’t want the boy to die in front of me. I pulled out whatever first aid knowledge I still had in my St.John memory days. Thankfully, he was still breathing. I was praying so hard that I don’t need to do CPR on this poor boy. The ambulance came 1-hour later. I was really mad at how the whole situation was being handled. Everybody was a busy body, but yet when I requested help, no one actually bothers to help. Secondly, the ambulance came 1-hour late. Jesus Christ. If I had a heart attack, I might as well just die on the spot. Thinking back, I wish things could have been better, but that was the best that anyone could have done in that scenario. Dear me, you did a good job and that’s good enough. *pats at the back*

Fulfilling my lifelong wish to be a certified belayer. At the same time, to combat my arthritis and joint stiffness. Anyone willing to put your life in my hands? :P

After looking at floating lanterns in pictures and videos for so long, it’s a lifelong dream to finally watch my Disney Tangled dreams come true. The highlight of the trip was definitely the Yee Peng & Loy Krathong festival, and the elephant sanctuary in Chiang Mai. It was also Ed’s first time in Thailand. On our last day of the trip, I admitted to Ed that I wasn’t happy throughout the whole trip. I thought I was, but as it turns out, traveling was just a distraction from the side effects of my cancer medications. I was really depressed. I didn’t want him to know at first, but with him, I felt safe to be vulnerable. Since that moment, I felt much better and less depressed.

I had always wanted to join Toastmasters to maintain and improve my public speaking skills. Thanks to my ex-Sunway lecturer, Victor Ong. He had introduced me to the Speaker Club where they hold monthly gatherings to catch up, drink, and do impromptu speeches!

One of my new year's resolutions was to embrace creativity. Hence, whatever that comes to my mind, I will capture it, edit it, and post it. I just started a new account (@chaptersiewlin) to document my cancer journey, but I’m way far behind in keeping it up to date with my current treatments. On the other hand, my swimming account (@swimwithmehq) had 26 swimming content posts this year and had reached more than 100 followers! A mini milestone achievement for me! Hooray!

To be honest, I had no expectations of voting for a better party. Mainly because of the dirty political stunts and tactics that were played during the last elections. I believe that regardless who you vote for, human greed and selfishness will always corrupt the mind of whoever holds power. After knowing Anwar Ibhrahim was sworn in as our new PM, my faith in humanity has now been restored. We might have hope.

As my mental and physical health deteriorated throughout my cancer treatment, I knew I needed to do something. I signed up for a swim squad to keep my depression away and to keep my joints moving. Although the training hours are insanely inhumane, it helped push me to be disciplined on my workouts. Swimming has helped me cope with my menopausal symptoms and I’ve experienced lesser hot flushes since then.

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This year, I turned 30.