Yeah, being in love is fun and all... while it actually lasts. There's no point being in love without acknowledging and observing the feelings that brings you to a through the journey of an roller coaster ride. At some point, there were feelings where I felt over the top of the world, but there were times where I also felt confused about the relationship, and even with myself. So, here I am, writing what these feelings and experience were during my relationship.

Stage 1 : The Beginning of all Relationships

They always say the beginning is one of the exciting phase. It's the "chase" phase where all the sweet stuff that one person or the other is willing to do for you. And trust me, both of us became a "yes" person. There was one time where he was suppose to go for a rock climbing session with his friends at Putrajaya, and I asked whether he would like to have lunch with me. And, he literally did drive 30minutes to my house just to see me have my lunch before he went to have lunch with his friends. I know he was happy enough to see me, but I felt horrible for him coming all the way here to see my "yong sui" face. And, there was me, making an impulse decision to join the "50km Ultra Trail Run", thinking it was definitely gonna be a fun thing to make him happy or to impress him. But, fuck me, it was beyond what I'm capable of. Ever since then, I promise myself to not make his life so difficult with my ridiculous suggestions, and also not to do stupid things which I memang cannot do.

Yeah, sure. The beginning is one of the "butterflies in the stomach" moments where you wished to last forever. To be honest, I really did enjoy this stage. It was those date nights that you really looked forward to over the weekend, and hectic work days. I held on to those moments where I knew it wouldn't last forever in the later part of the relationship because I foresee it was going to happen somehow, someday. So, the only thing I did was to take pictures and write down those moments somewhere secretly to remind myself why I had to chose him from the start.

Stage 2 : Getting to Know You

At this stage, things are still interesting as it's still the "getting to know each other" phase. Interests, and hobbies start coming around in each other's life. There were a few things he introduced to me which were mainly hiking and living a healthy lifestyle. Well, frankly speaking, hiking wasn't my cup of tea, but he offered me a pair of hiking shoes that somehow made me make a pact with God's nature. His hiking skills is overflowing good, which made me look like a noob.

"If you fall, just fall for me." We always joked at each other.

Besides hiking, the only thing that was so important to him was health. I remembered how excited he was that he wanted to present the healthy lifestyle guideline to me, at Magnum, Mid Valley. I was pretty impress with his efforts in putting the presentation together, and thus decided to give a try on this healthy lifestyle. With weekly high intensity exercises, and healthy eating, but it never lasted for a month. I realize it wasn't something I could really appreciated.

Somehow, at this stage, we started showing our flaws and bad habits. I learned that he was a specific and particular person which sometimes I felt annoyed when I tried to share things with him. There wasn't a time where he won't stop picking my words and meanings, even when I just wanted to complain or share the bigger picture of everything. Small things like this get us into tiny arguments, but will literally get resolved.

Stage 3 : Stability Stage

This stage, is currently the stage that I'm currently in. I think it lasted for around 3 weeks and s expected to be more if we don't sort things out. Right now, things are pretty shaky at this moment, relationship discussions became tiny arguments, which seems never resolved. There was a serious talk between us which made me a shelter bomb, exploding things which I didn't really get to express. After that talk, I decided to change for the better, at least for our relationship, upholding the fact on what was important to him and us. I changed my diet plan, not entirely, but slowly. I began to take up cooking again, I begin doing exercise which I hate doing, but also balancing with the exercises which I enjoyed too (e.g.: badminton, jogging).

He's being really cold to me lately. I'm not sure whether he's being stressed out at work which made him that way. His texts never came frequently as it always does anymore. Only making time for dinner or lunch or movie. He becomes slightly flustered and unwilling to share when I ask him for tiny advice on health stuff, which is so unlikely of him. Now, I'm starting to see the true colours side of him, which somehow slightly hurts my heart.

"I feel like I'm doing it alone."

"I enjoyed spending my time with you."

I'm not sure what he really meant by that, or maybe I was overthinking? Somehow the tears won't stop flowing each time it rings in my head, fearing that everything will end in the end. Now I know how much it hurts when someone who meant a lot to me, wanted to leave. Somehow, in my heart, he meant a great deal to me.

We have yet to come to an agreement, and understanding to rectify both our issues and relationship objectives, which I'm hoping to resolve it before the year ends. It's difficult to tell how things will turn out for now.

(last recorded 28th December 2016

Stage 4 : Comfortability & Taken For Granted

Saturday date nights became routined. Somehow, I have gotten used his flaws and imperfections. I have gotten patient with him, explaining shits and emotions to him. For him, he gave up trying to advice me on things which I either never do what he says or never listened to him. He just let's me bump into walls, even at things which were sometimes dangerous. He only did things for me only when it's convenient for him and it's under his forte.

I wasn't sure enough for him, but he gave me the feeling that he had stopped trying. 

There was more silence in our conversations and he was into his games more than having me around. There was no growth factor and I was getting tired it.

There were lots of arguments, but he was never a person to conclude the arguments with a solution, and I have to force the solution out of every argument there is. However, he always gives excuses to run away and avoid talking about problems upfront until I have to confront him. Every. Single. Time.

I told us to take a break. For 2 weeks.

He never bothered to find me.

I had to be the first to approach him before he agreed to take another shot in the relationship.

After getting back together, I started off on the wrong foot.

I took him for granted and I wanted him to do things that only pleases me because he was the one that hurt me the most before the break. It was my sort of revenge.

I felt guilty of it, and since then, I didn't bother trying to be the exciting person I once was.

I learned that I was an anxious person, but even after telling him, he didn't believe me much and wasn't mindful enough to meet my needs. I learnt he was an avoidant person, and it finally makes sense why he starts to push me far away far when things get bad between us, and why I keep yearning for his love and attention. It felt like this whole relationship became so toxic but yet, I still choose to stay because I love him and wanted to fix things.

Less did I know, sometimes broken things are meant to stay broken, because despite the number of times you choose to fix things, it will never perform as good as it used to be. Over time, the performance just gets worse.

Stage 5 : The Break Up

It was over. We broke up.

Neither of us was expecting it. But to be honest, I've been preparing for this. This exact moment.

You said you were unhappy for two years and might feel better if we were apart.

You kept all the resentment in your heart and never told me anything.

So let me grant you your wish you've always wanted.

I packed abit of my belongings.

Lie it bed

"Can I still cuddle you?" He said.

"No." I said coldly.

But my heart immediately broke and I turned to him with my arms around him. And I wailed.

We both cry together that very last night together. Arms in arms.

We talked about the things we've learned from each other. The secrets that I've never told him.

He wished me the best. To find someone better than him.

Though he gave all his good wishes to me, all I wanted him was to suffer.

"I don't think you're ready for a relationship."

"After this? Yes, that's for sure."

"I mean not just after this. I think it's ever."

"You really want it to happen? Will that make you happy?"

I paused for a long time.

Let's do it nicely siewlin, break it off nicely.

"Maybe."

I woke up at 8am the next day. Prepared myself some simple breakfast and wished his mom good morning. That will probably the last time I spoke and see her. I didn't say anything about us, but I know I was going to miss her dearly.

I packed the rest of my stuff, clothes, shampoo, skincare, face masks, and the bedsheet. Oh yes, the bedsheet. The one I bought for him but he doesn't appreciate it.

By the time he woke up, it was 10am++. I told him I needed to go home.

While he washed up, I went around with one last look to see if I missed anything.

He saw me carrying the bag of bedsheets

"Really?" He said

"It's mine." I said coldly. "You can have the blanket. I don't need it."

I took everything and walk down. Never looking back.

I left without saying goodbye. But it's OK, no one will ever miss me.

We didn't say a thing throughout the whole journey home.

I turned on some music to fill the empty silence between us.

He was crying, I know.

And I was too.

I secretly wished he had said something.

To want me back. To say sorry. To give us, yet another chance. 

But nothing of that happened.

It's as if it was the drive of doom, and we were both driving to our last destination.

I believe we did appreciate the company and silence we had on our last time being together. I know we both did. If not we wouldn't have cried.

The hardest part was yet to come. It was the moment when I left to retrieve his stuff. His otter, some of the pictures and albums that had his face in it. I never wanted to be reminded of him. Ever.

I placed the bag at the passenger seat, and have one last look at him.

I knew that was the hardest thing that I have to do. I saw his sad teary eyes as he looked at me the last time as I said take care and goodbye. 

I knew both of us were gonna cry. I closed the door and walk off. I turned back, hoping he would come running to me and say don't leave but nothing dramatic like that happen. 

I rushed upstairs, just to take a last view of his car. I knew he needed some time to cry and shake things up before driving. and finally, he drove away. Maybe that was the last time I'll ever see him again. 

And so it ended. Just like that. 

And we both moved on with our lives.

18th February 2016 - 8th March 2020