I can't do this. I'm so tired. I'm hungry, and I have a long day at work, and I don't think I can do this.
My inner voice spoke to me while I was swimming my way back from my 14th lap. My heart was beating too fast, and I didn't felt relax at all. What's wrong with me?
After this lap, I'm just gonna get out, shower and go back. Today is not my day.
Siew Lin, I know you're tired, but you can't quit. Another voice spoke to me. Let's have a deal. You swim freestyle 50m, and the balance you're allowed to finish it with a breaststroke.
Ok deal.
But that breaststroke didn't happen. Instead, I swam freestyle all the way, cheating my feelings and ignoring the physical pain and anguish, like how I would trick myself in every other training. Promising myself that that would be the last of my suffering, but only to make myself go through with more.
After reaching the end, I pull up my goggles and rest my left arm on the floating divider. I was panting too hard and was trying to bring my breath down before I continue the balance of my 1.3km swim. It was only 7.30pm, and I've been in the pool for only 45minutes. Let me emphasize the word, "ONLY" because I had to complete the balance set before 8.30pm.
I felt my friend on the next lane, was staring at me. He must be judging my strokes as he looks at me distinctly from a distance when swimming my way back. He advised me to bring my arms higher in the air, and sure enough, that was not what I did. That should be something that I should be doing, but my arms felt like I was lifting rocks. I know my strokes were all out of place after the 500m mark, and honestly, I couldn't care less. I was demotivated and tired.
"So tired."
I threw out the words like a losing gambler throwing out his last deck of cards.
Physically, I was tired. My arms were aching. My neck felt stiff. And my breath was not regulated as usual compared to my other swimming days. I should not have skipped that one punch man challenge that I was supposed to do yesterday. In actual fact, the challenge was quite helpful in maintaining my muscles strength.
My friend scoffed a little.
"Then good luck to you."
That sounded a bit sarcastic from him.
"You better work hard lo. Don't forget you sign up for the 5km swim in November."
"I think I'm starting to feel like I regret it. Why did I even sign up?"
"Hor. I don't know about you lo."
"Hey! You're the one who got me into this lo. I got peer pressured to join the 5km because of you leh. I've never even swam 2km before in my life lor."
"Haiya! Don't worry la. You can swim one."
"Of course I definitely can swim, just need a longer time to swim lo. Can't swim freestyle, swim breaststroke lo."
He nodded in silence as he stared into space. Maybe looking at the end of the pool.
Maybe the only thing I need right now is to be alone. To be convinced that I could do this by myself and not be bothered with the right techniques and timing.
Somehow I know that I can do it. But I just wish someone could go up to me and say "I know you can do it. You're good at whatever you're doing. If you had run two marathons, this is nothing to you! You're better off than me, and you're quite adventurous and brave to do such a thing! I know you're tired, but it's gonna be worth it. I have trust in you, and I believe you can do it."
If only someone could assure me and reminded me of these words. I would definitely keep going even though I was already tired in the pool.
0 dim sums