You know, I used to be so girly back then.
Wearing short frenzy skirts and looking out for cute guys and all...
Laughing and giggling like any normal girls do.
But then it stopped.
I don't know why.
Guys outfits became my style back then,
and true enough. I was a tomboy.
And maybe because I got my heart trenched in so many situations,
that the only option left for me,
is to only depend on me.
And now, there's the girly side of me again.
Skirts, shorts, and dresses became my style again,
but the giggling and laughing stop.
I stop looking at guys now.
No matter how handsome they are, I won't bother flirting with them.
* * *
It's so weird.
Knowing that guys like girls being dependent on them,
because it makes them feel like they are their 'hero'.
But for all this while I've been depending on myself and no one else.
It's so hard to find my 'hero' when I am my own hero.
I'm probably the most coldest girl ever.
Of course I do like girly things, but I'm just too manly enough to not express it.
Maybe because of that, I hardly let down my guards and walls, and show the need for anything.
To anyone ever.
Maybe one day I will,
but to whom I'm not sure.
Maybe I don't need a hero,
I need a sidekick.
A kick-ass sidekick.
So,
would you be that sidekick for me?
Well, this very well summed up the end of my 3-month gap. During this duration, I've spent much more time on SELF-DISCOVERY. From food allergies to my lack of self expression, and on certain grey areas which I never knew about myself until much confrontation.
I've been self-reflecting a lot (one of my most favourite hobby I found out). Thinking a lot. On many factors which is stopping myself from expressing my feelings.
There's so many factors. You can read it here.
From a broken childhood experience, to people who have shut me out completely. But that's the way I am. It had already groomed me into this person today. Am still learning how to let go of myself, but it's gonna be very VERY hard. Because, not only I'm PRETENDING to be myself, but also I can't just do that to everyone I meet. How much I express also depends on who you are to me. Trust me, I can't simply just express myself like that.
Plus, this is also the first time that I chose to go jobless for 3 months, to complete my final year project, which is just halfway done (FML -_-). I like WORKING, but not working for 3 months is unbearable! Thinking about not earning a single cent, and eating grass for my next uni semesters is so......... DEADLY.
But somehow at the end of my 3rd month, I manage to land myself a job. A very well payed one and a good working exposure that can land me a good career. However, this also means that I have to change the way I communicate with my colleagues and the way I lead my people. Guess my servant leadership skills won't work at this current situation. I need to be more authoritative and take responsibility in every decision I make.
Not only that, exposing myself to different cultures is definitely a plus point especially at my current age. They say traveling opens up your eyes to the world, and it definitely did. The different countries I've travelled to are all beautiful. And flying a lot has made forced me to go through my fear for heights. But even after all that flying, I still HATE FLYING. It's STILL FUCKING SCARY !!! Especially when you watched the plane wings keep WOBBLING as if it's gonna GO OFF at any moment!!
But then again, at the end of the day, what I'm truly blessed is that I have met wonderful people, teachers/lecturers, friends, and Kalyana Mitras who had walked in to my life, inspired me, taught me, understand me, and financially/physically/mentally helped me. Although there are people who had walked out of my life, there's a very good reason why they weren't supposed to stay.
I honestly feel that I'm the luckiest person in the world, but I couldn't have gotten any luckier, if I hadn't met all of YOU. So, thank you :')
Welcome back to reality, Siew Lin.
Welcome back to Malaysia.
The last thing I ever wanna have is a long distance relationship.
Trust me. Commitment is one thing, but it's more than just commitment that makes the relationship worthwhile.
It's been 3 months.
3 months since I knew him.
But the distances is killing me.
He's so near, but yet so far.
Ugggghhhhh!!! Whyyyyyyyyyy?!?!
And, as I continue to wait. And wait. And wait to what seems forever,
one day, if I ever get to see him one day...
I'll run into his arms and hug him as if I've knew him my whole life.
But until then... I continue to wait...
... and wait.
I was sleeping on the bed. At someone's house.
I was deep asleep because I felt so drained and tired that I just wanted to sleep.
But you came in and you came to my side, lightly touching me.
I was annoyed that you were disturbing my sleep but I was yearning for you to be here with me.
I wrapped my arms around your neck, bringing you closer to me. You started to say something, but nothing is going through my head because I just wanted to sleep. But I felt so safe at the moment, knowing that you were here with me.
You started lifting me up from my bed and you carried me in your arms.
You walked out from the room, with me lying against your shoulder, sleeping.
You kept walking and walking, with my arms still around your neck.
I don't know where I was going, but I didn't really care because I was just so tired.
We entered a dark room, and I felt my body being lowered onto a bed.
And I felt something moving beside me. It was you.
You wrapped your arms around me and brought me closer to you in a spooning position.
For a moment, it felt so comfortable to be by your side, knowing that you're there.
For a moment, it felt so comfortable to be by your side, knowing that you're there.
Your warmth and closeness gave me so much security that I felt like I was fading into another dream.
Suddenly, I felt your presence was slowly disappearing.
I turned around and I saw...
... nothing there.
I realized that I'm lacking of personal expression.
I'm recently getting that a lot from my friends, including one special friend of mine.
I have seriously, no idea why.
Honestly, if I knew that I'm like this, why didn't I bother to change myself for all these while?
I have friends who are starting to bug me to express myself more often, and stuff like this, but I don't think it'll work.
I'm a less sympathetic, warm, gentle, and kind person. It was to my horror when I found out about these traits of mine. Really, am I? Maybe I'm sympathetic, warm, gentle, and kind towards animals, but not to people? But, why?
Maybe because of this, I don't have much closed friends, and even if I do, I won't be the first person whom they'll wanna rely on in terms of feelings and emotions. Does this very much explain why my feelings can never get through people whom I very much care about?
I'm not sure, but I think I finally knew why.
It must be my past experience. My past painful childhood experience.
It must be the memories that had already scared me for life.
It must be the people whom I had expressed so much to, but they had decided to leave me out of their life.
It must be... of so many factors which I'm still trying to figure it out WHAT.
But it might be also factors that never exist for me to talk about myself?
It must be the wrong timing and at the wrong place to let myself out?
Place and timing is important to set the emotion and feelings down.
Place and timing is important to set the emotion and feelings down.
It must be that no one had ever ask about me?
Why? Who? Where? What? When? How?
But no one had bother tried asking.
Why? Who? Where? What? When? How?
But no one had bother tried asking.
But it might also be the problem with ME.
I shut people out. I hide my feelings.
So much feelings that I hide, that I'm so afraid to show it to people.
So much feelings that I hide, that when I couldn't take it anymore, I have frequent emotional breakdowns.
When people ask, I always say NOTHING, but I know there's always something which I wanna tell.
But, why didn't I tell?
What's stopping me from telling?
Maybe I'm just scared to get hurt?
Maybe I'm just scared to get hurt?
I seriously... DON'T. KNOW.
* * *
Maybe it's time that I open-up my heart and and speak up more through my heart.
To my people at least. It wouldn't be fair to them if I don't.
It's time that I learn how to forgive, love, and believe in myself.
I guess it's time to really show....
who I'm really am.
* * *
But if you start commenting that I'm still not expressing much about myself...
FUCK YOU lah.
This is who I'm really am.
I had enough of pleasing people so much, that I don't even know who or what am I myself.
So, this is me. Accept it or fuck off.
He wasn't very good looking, but his imperfections made everything look just perfect.
I kept staring at him, trying to stay in eye-contact as much as possible. Feeling afraid that I wouldn't able to see him the way I see him ever again.
I lightly brushed against his arm as I laughed at his joke.
I looked at him as we sat there silently in the car, wishing the moment wouldn't end just like that.
"Don't go off first,"I said."There's something that I need to pass to you."
"Pass me something? What is that?" He smiled slyly.
"Hmm... You'll find out." I smiled, as I closed the door.
Shortly after I came back, I passed him a small wrapped gift in pink, decorated with a neatly tied pink ribbon. A smile appeared across his surprise face.
"What is this?" He asked, curiously.
"Hmm... Don't know. Go home and find out," I smiled and shrugged.
* * *
Few days ago...
"Let me ask you. Usually, what kind of present does a guy like?" I asked.
The soft tapping sounds could be heard as I blind-fully type out my thoughts out.
It's 4.45am. Seems to be that the insomnia is kicking in already.
"Hmm... I got no idea. A kiss?" He replied.
"A kiss?! Seriously?!" I instantly replied.
"Really larh...."
"Eh... Really larhhh... Can you give me an appropriate answer," I snorted. "I'm buying a gift for a guy friend and I can't give him a kiss larh..."
"Hmm... A wallet? Belt? A wristband?"
"Hmm... Just pretend if it was you. What will you ask for?" I asked casually.
"A kiss." He laughed.
"-____-" I replied.
"Okay okay... Other than a kiss, what else? Do you like chocolates?" I asked, trying to avoid the topic about kissing.
"-____-" I replied.
"Okay okay... Other than a kiss, what else? Do you like chocolates?" I asked, trying to avoid the topic about kissing.
"Okay okay lorh... but I prefer dark chocolates. Or maybe the ones with alcohol. Those 2 are my favourites." He pointed out. He seems to not noticed of the sudden change of topic to chocolates.
"Hmm... Right! I think I know what to get for my friend already! Hehe..." I exclaimed. "I'll buy him dark chocolates! Since it's the cheapest.... HAHA!!"
"-_-" He typed.
"Hmm... Right! I think I know what to get for my friend already! Hehe..." I exclaimed. "I'll buy him dark chocolates! Since it's the cheapest.... HAHA!!"
"-_-" He typed.
* * *
I could still mesmerized his physical presence as if he was standing close behind me.
Initially, it is.
That friend was you.
As the year goes by, the number of things that I do will gradually increase as well.
Well, being 20 was good. In fact, I actually like the number 20, and I wished I could stay in my 20's foreverrrrrrr (although I get comments that I look older than I actually should -.-). But you know, life moves on even without you wanting to. So, here I am.... turning 21, and venturing out into the world of reality.
Honestly, being in my 20's, things had slowed down A LOT since I left SUBS Student Concilium. My own personal progression had slowed down this year because I thought to myself that maybe I should take a break from all these active and busy lifestyles.
So I did. But being 20, I've started focusing much on my working experiences, skills, and abilities that allows me to prepare myself for the future career path ahead. Thus, here goes the list of 20 things I did while I was 20....
* * *
1. Joining Dhammaduta Development Youth Camp 2012
Camp felt different this time compared to 2011. I was less busy, and I felt quite empty throughout the duration of the camp, as if I had nothing to do. I was involved in programs this time, in which I got to plan and execute the program by myself. Candle Night and Mahapuja was one of them. Of course, I couldn't have done it without Shashi and Stephanie by my side. Somehow, I'm not sure how I've gotten myself into winning doutch-ball either. It was a different experience, and I guess it's different on the personal side when I was reminded that,"your dad still loves you too." Thanks to that someone, I began to forgive and start loving my father.
2. Took up logistics for the first time in D2Y EXCO
I still remember attending the first EXCO meeting at Scotts Gardens. Eventually I thought it was a Camp-X meeting, but realized it was an EXCO meeting at the end. Silly me. But why logistics?
Although I was new to the team, after much observation and learning on how the previous logistic system works, I realized it could be better organized than before. I never thought I would be getting the job, but I somehow ended up attaching myself to YS room lol *hugs storeroom*. And yes, of course I couldn't have done it without the help of my assistant too -> Shashimi lol.
So.... here's a picture of my pissed face if you mess up the store room... -_-
3. Celebrated Chinese New Year with a few new faces
Meeting up with these 3 familiar acquaintances whom I've known through gaming for a long time. I think the only thing I miss is the delicious food though :(
4. Completed my internship in Contagious Malaysia
Did my internship in an event agency. Although I kept hearing rumours and horror stories of being an intern, but truth to be told, I think it was a good experience. I did more than what I wanted to receive, and work hard even though it's not needed. Got to experience the political expects of working and as well the taste of working in real life. I managed to A's my internship, and all these is possible because it begin with the willingness to learn and the heart to love what you do.
5. Level 200
Finally managed to Level 200 after so many !%#*!$!&%!&$ years of playing Maple! Sorry, sorry... it's one of my many perks about gaming. It's the only online game I play lol. Right after leveling 200, just realized that they're extending the maximum Level to 250. -___- Officially quited Maple!! Grr...
6. Chopped off my uglehhh long hair
I couldn't stand my long hair and I just felt like I needed something new. Never regretted it in one bit.
7. Said goodbye to SUBS Student Concilium 2012/2013
If there is one memorable experience in my uni life, it's definitely this. I remember getting a call from Mr.David Chong, saying that he had offered me a role in SUBS Student Concilium as an Secretary/Ass.Secretary. I hesitated to join at first, but I gave it a try, never knowing I really got it. Nevertheless, it was an enriching experience as it gave me so much stress, learning experiences, new friends, and so much more. Honestly, I had a culture shock after leaving SUBS Student Concilium because it didn't felt normal to be NOT BUSY and STRESS. But, you know... life goes on...
8. Family attended D2Y's Parents Appreciation Dinner for the first time
I remembered trying to tell myself not to cry because my parents weren't there. I felt eager, scared, angry, and yet excited to see them, but it turns out that they came..... 2 hours late!
I remembered Stephanie kept asking,"so where's your parents."
And I kept replying,"I don't know! They're coming! They're coming!"
"But they're gonna miss your performance!"
"It's okay larh...! The show must go on!"
Although they missed my acting performance, but the most significant expect was being able to have my dinner together with my family at the end. And my dad became more supportive of D2Y ever since.
9. Took up a part-time job at The Cocoa Trees
Selling chocolates, chocolates, and more chocolates. Basically it deals with confectionery goods.
Learned new things about retailing and the management of point-of-purchase products, stock checks, decorating, cashier, wrapping hampers, and bad-ass colleagues. Still, a good learning experience.
10. Dropped my iPhone into the blooddehhh toilet bowl
It's gone. Here's the summary of my horrific story:
11. Celebrating Sara's 21st birthday through videography
Although it took quite a lot of effort and patience doing this, but I was glad that I could meet up with my old friends again to catch up with them. Alhough I really liked doing videography, but it would be better if I could have a better editing software and a better quality camera. But I was glad that the video made her felt better.
12. Did my first leadership game workshop in D2Y Camp-X
Did my first workshop that caters to a much older youth group than D2YC. It was pretty challenging since they're much older, and I felt unprepared and uneasy throughout my deliverance. A lot of loopholes and mistakes, but otherwise I received good feedbacks that it has helped them. It was a good experience, but I should improve on my public speaking and impromptu speech skills.
13. Expressed myself through acting
I realized I expressed myself more through acting than speaking all this while. From the acting experience through Camp-X and PAD, I realized I revealed more feelings and emotions through acting. Maybe it's because I could disguise my feelings so that nobody knows my true feelings? I'm not sure myself either. But the question is... am I acting all this while?
14. Participated in my first international youth exchange program
Was really glad to have this opportunity to be part of the organizing team in IBYE/IBYF Malaysia 2013! It was definitely a mouthful of experiences as I've met new friends from different cultures, learned new things, had fun planning and working together with new people, and many more. It was also the first camp that made cry as well.... why? Read No.17 to find out.
15. Did my first public speaking as an emcee
It was damn scary lorh! Especially when someone told me last minute I had to become an emcee for the IBYE/IBYF 2013 welcoming speech. I was damn horrified lorh! International camp lerh... it's not like some D2Y local camp lorh. I remembered I kept pestering Loo Han on what to do and say 1 hour before the speech, and he gave me a very lame and funny respond which goes like:
"Don't worry one! We all Buddhists are very forgiving and kind one! You make mistakes they sure forgive you one!"
And I end up looking like this -_____-lll ..... but it did helped me calm down a lot :)
16. Completed my first 7km run
Went for a run the next day after IBYE/IBYF camp. One word for me. Crazy!!
Manage to complete in 54 minutes. Quite a good record for someone who hasn't trained for 1 week, but need to better improve on my time-keeping and running pace next time if I wanna run for 10km. Can't believe that it has been 1 year since Run For Gold 2012. So hard to believe that I'm running the same route that I have first planned out 1 year ago... :'(
17. Brought back my past back to the people I've met
Somehow, my past, internal secrets, and secret love life managed to leaked out from the sky. Yes, literally the sky because I told no one (okay, okay, maybe a few) -_-ll
Never intended to share some.... or most of them, but I ended up sharing almost everything lol. Talking about being stripped naked, eh? Remembered I kept crying myself to sleep to prepare myself to not cry during IBYE/IBYF camp sharing experience when asked to share my side of story. But I ended up crying more than I did when I sleep LOL...
So I guess I got nothing to hide anymore... So here's a picture of my sad face to show you how sad I am lol...
18. Realized that the guy I like, actually really liked me back
Here's something that many people are curious to know about.
Things would have been different if I had taken his feelings seriously and said "yes", but I realized, it was really too late. Life is full of regrets, just don't let opportunities slip away like how I did.
19. Spoke S-L-O-W-L-Y and confidently
Changed the way I spoke and explain things when needed. Took more deep breaths and more pauses to allow me more time to think before speaking. Still needs more practising though, but it definitely made me more confident and prevent myself from getting tongue-tied!
20. Got my future read
Was told by a fortune teller that I would be successful in whatever I had planned for my future. Which was quite true as I've already set out plans for my future career already. The only drawback she told me was I had to be confident about my future decisions and just go for it, as I will definitely succeed if I do so.
Today, I turned 21.
I realized that...
Success is like keeping a puppy.
As much as you want to have it, you have to be responsible to get it.
And once you have it, you have to learn how to take care of it with tender-loving-care.
Because as much as you love your dog, you have to have the same affectionate feelings and passion towards your desire to keep on being successful.
It's good that people understands.
Because I don't need your sympathy,
I just need people to share the same kindness to those who needs it.
I just need people to share the same kindness to those who needs it.