1.40am.

Exactly 3 hours and 25 minutes ago, that 38th IDC post-mortem meeting was adjourned.

I can't believe that when I was leaving the BGF building, I'm not leaving as a participant anymore, but as a committee.

So, how do I feel now that everything is over? To be honest...

Nothing.

I felt nothing. Not knowing sure why.

I wished I knew the reason myself.

Maybe because I felt so numbed after that small "incident" that happen in KCBA? As I recalled back, I was quite traumatized because I felt a sense of negative aura or something eerie lingering around, before the actual incident happen.

So many IF's I told myself:

What IF I had gone to the toilet myself, without Pui Yen accompanying me?

What IF I left my phone in the activity hall, and decided to go take it myself?

What IF I became so kepoci, and decided to go out the balcony to see what were the dogs barking at?

Holy flying fox... I can't imagine what will happen to me. Like, seriously.

However, what matter most is that I'm still alive and breathing :)

On the other hand, I was fully aware that I was really quiet and self-conserve throughout the whole camp. Maybe I was trying to observe my thoughts during this different environment with different people, especially with so many things going on at the same time.

Perhaps, I was just being me.

* * *

"Why can't I put more than one colours into my glitter jar?" I asked.

"Because... you can only choose one," she said.

"But why can't I choose all?"

No one dared to answer.

Somehow, I felt a little bit disappointment because it wasn't a valid answer that I wanna accept. Okay, since I can't have all the colours, then, I'm gonna put 4 full spoons of this pink colour!

"Siew Lin!! That's too much!! 1 scoop it's enough!!" someone exclaimed.
Ish! Got caught red-handed. Feeling sad, I scooped back the liquid back into the container.

"Does the colours signify anything?" I questioned her further, somehow feeling annoyed because I can't have my own way.

She shrugged. "Don't know? Maybe it signifies the direction or goal that you want to focus in life? I think so la."

I began to ponder.

So does that mean that if I put many colours into my jar, it signifies that I'm being too ambitious and too greedy? Everything that I want, I must have in life?

* 

"Sis.Ching Wi...?"

"Hmm?"

"Do you think it's okay to be greedy? I mean, it's normal for human beings to be greedy, right? Especially when it comes to materialistic stuffs."

"Hmm.... "

"But, sometimes I find myself being too greedy when it comes to experience. I'm always greedy to learn everything and anything, and if there's something that I've never done it before, I would always want to learn it. Is that a bad thing?"

"Well... I think it's okay to be greedy when it comes to learning. As long as it makes you a better, and more positive person, right? There are endless opportunities to learn in life, so I believe there isn't a period when a person stops learning, because experiences helps you grow."

"What's your name?" I asked.

"My.... My, my name is...," she stammered.

Suddenly, she avoided my eyes and shy-fully took her balloon and covered her face, and quietly said:

"But my mummy said not to talk to strangers."

"I didn't wish to be alone," says the 26-year old girl. "I travelled to so many countries around the world, met so many people, and done so many crazy shit with strangers, but yet I'm still alone.

"Don't get me wrong, I do have a family, and a few besties, but even when you're surrounded by people, it's still possible to feel lonely."

"Because in life, that happens. No matter how much you love the people around you, or how much they love you, there are still people who are gonna leave."

With small but quick steps, she quietly went around the corner of a secluded park. The big pine tree helped to blocked her from the public view. With one last glance, to ensure that no one was looking, she pulled her pink hoodie over her head, and finally lied down on the pale, dry grass.

Placing her hands on top of her stomach, she heaved a huge sigh as she looked up at the empty skies.

There were no sounds, only the sound of her continuous heartbeat can be heard.

She closed her eyes to absorb the quietness around her.

Her body relaxed, and her mind filled with serenity.

"Finally." She thought to herself. "This was something that I wanted to do in a long time. To lie back down on the grass and look up at the sky, and to be at internal bliss."

"So, any questions?" the interviewer asked finally, after a 10 minute interview with us.

Both me and another candidate shook our heads lightly. "Nope," I said.

Actually I do. A lot actually, I thought to myself. There were a lot of uncertainties in my mind, but I thought it would be inappropriate to ask so many questions in just one interview.

"Great! If no, then I would like to dismissed the interview," the interviewer said as he stood up from his seat. "But before that, I would like to have a few moments with Susan for awhile. Just for 5 seconds. So Fariq, thanks for coming for the interview, we would contact you when you're shortlisted for the job."

Wait. What? Did he say he wants to speak privately with me?! I thought. He isn't going to offer me the job right away, right? Isn't it too soon?

The interviewer shook Fariq hands, said his thanks, and walked out the door. The door closed lightly behind him.

"Susan, I just want to have a bit of your time. Just 5 seconds," he said as he sat back down in his seat.

"Yeah, sure," I said.

"I noticed something about your behaviour, and I find it.... well.... a bit too much," he said, smiling. Clearly, his face looked a little bit displeased. "So I thought that this advice that I'm gonna give you might help you in your future."

I sat quietly in my seat, feeling afraid that he's going to say something which I wasn't sure of.

Oh noooo..... What did I do wrong this time? I thought to myself, feeling slightly embarrassed.

"I noticed that your tongue is moving around too much, and your body as well. I think it's a bit too much. So I just wanna know....."

Before he could finish his sentences, I immediately sat back and laughed, politely.

原来是这样！(So it was about this!) I thought to myself.

"Oh no, sir! I think it's because of my braces," I said, delightfully, but yet feeling bashful at the same time. "I just got it done this year January!"

"Ahh... I see. No wonder. I understand now!" he said, smiling.

"I was trying to get water to drink because I was thirsty, that's why I was moving around so much!" I said, as I cover my mouth with the tip of my fingers. "I'm soooo sorry! I know that it's annoying! But I'm trying to get used to it, especially when it comes to speaking!"

“Ah. It’s fine. I just wanted to know, and at least I understand now,” he said.

“So that’s all you wanted to say to me? About my braces?”

“That’s all of it,” he said as he got up from his seat to open the door for me.

“I see. I thought you were going to talk to me something else other than that!” I said as I got up from my seat at the same time. “But thanks, thanks for letting me know. I appreciate feedback like this. I like feedbacks like this, no matter if it’s negative, because it helps me learn and grow.”



“I know,” he smiled. “Because you look like that kind of person that does.”