After being part of Incovar committee for 2 years, I decided to join this time round as a participant. It was quite a difficult decision because I had a choice to join as a committee or a participant. I wanted the best of both worlds, but after my detachment from a Buddhist youth organization, I felt that it wasn’t right for me to be contributing to another Buddhist activity. I felt it was really unfair, plus I really wanted a break from Buddhist commitments at the meantime anyway.

Just so happens that this was the big “40” camp, and it was also the time where I wanted to move on to another career line. Thus, I ended up signing up as a holiday getaway camp while wanting to seek my own “answers”.

“Answers to what?” you may ask. It was answers to my own career and start-up projects.

Unfortunately, after the camp, I didn’t have my answers. My mind was still set on chasing down my interests in digital marketing, and I still wanted to start my own non-profit projects. Which is pretty much good to show that I’m pretty certain of what I want lol.

But one thing for sure, after the camp, I felt emotionally lighter, and sensitively aware of my thoughts and feelings. To elaborate further, below are my key learning aspects that I have learned from this camp:

1. Learning how to really appreciate myself

The major highlight of the camp was to love thyself despite our flaws and imperfections. While I was able to wholly accept my good and bad attributes about myself, I wasn’t deeply affected by the IXP night walk other than my aching legs and back.

But, I can confidently say that I do love myself as whole and it took me years to accept that about myself. And because I was too busy chasing down my goals, and being better at myself, and learning how to accept the way I work and behave, I forgot how to appreciate myself for all the hard work I’ve been through to be who am I today. The written thank you note to myself made me really appreciate myself. I felt much more happier, and deeply satisfied about myself after all these years. It’s also a reminder to myself to not forget to treat myself a lil’bit nicer while I’m working my ass off to chase my dreams.

2. Questioning and dissecting my thoughts

I always have this habit of reflecting on my thoughts on almost everything and every time whenever I’m alone. Really thankful on my self-reflection habits, it taught me to be more tactful and mindful whenever I do things, and/or whenever I speak to people. Nevertheless, after attending Bhante Aggacitta’s workshop and sister Sue Lee’s talk, I became more aware of which thoughts of mine are more important, and if it’s important, how do I further question and turnaround my thoughts on a situation.

I understood and was aware of the mind blowing effects from the questions asked when the “AHA!” sensation came to me after I shared my recent job interview story with Joshua Khoo. Joshua was pretty familiar with the turnaround questions, and it took me a while for my own answers to sink into my brain. At least, my turnaround answers were very comforting answers to my own problems. In summary, it’s a method on how to see the positives even in a bad and complicated situation.

3. Getting rid of my emotional shit

As this year’s camp theme is set to focus on emotional development, there is bound to be lots of personal sharing in this camp. And what is a camp without any crying, right? lol While some participants had successfully cried to release their emotional stress and frustrations during the few days of camp, crying never happen for me until the last day of camp. It wasn’t the farewell that made me cry lol, it was actually a short conversation during breakfast I had with Chooi Leang and some of the participants.

Chooi Leang brought up his father during the conversation, and the word “father” got stuck in my thoughts. I know that there was something about my father that I never thought of addressing about it, so I brushed it to one side, thinking it was just my wondering thoughts. But during Bhante Kumara’s talk, he addresses the importance of releasing emotions and the tendency to keep it too long in the heart and mind can be very intoxicating. Because of that talk, I intentionally had to move to the back of the audience to address my thoughts about my father, because my strong depressing energy could cause Bhante to look towards my direction and ask me to go far away lol (I mean, he’s pretty scary when he can sense energy around him especially if it comes from you).

After settling down, I took out my book and started writing the things about my father. If you know me well enough, I have a long history about my hatred, and un-forgiveness about my father. There’s a reason for me to be that way, but after 12 years, I did learn how to forgive my father and respect him as my own, but still, as I look at the words written on my book “I don’t love my father” and “I don’t care about my father”, the words pierced me like a dagger through my heart. Using the 4 questions according to Byron Katie questions, the tears started trickling down my face like a leaking shower pump, just that someone had to turn the shower on to full blast, that my tears became a salty full blast shower pump few minutes later. Was not being able to control my tears because I felt so ashamed, guilty, and irresponsible of my father’s wellbeing.

But, it was a blessing to have my Kalyana Mitras to be there beside me when I cried, and to listened to my last bit of untold family history. After all that crying drama, I became relieved of my childhood past and was able to move on without dwelling on it. I now no longer cry myself to sleep whenever I felt like doing it.

 * * *

All in all, 40th Incovar Dhamma Camp was a good closure to all my grudges and emotions on my past family problems, and as well as my personal upbringing. Being a child of divorce, it was never easy on me for all these years, and even though I had seemed to forgave and moved on, tiny bits of hate and grudges still lingered on. Took me 7 years to forgive someone, but only took me 1 day (or probably few crying hours lol) to finally convince myself, that I don't hate that person anymore. The total period of that toxic state of mind lasted for nearly 13 years, so the few hours of crying was totally worth it.

Apart from that, it was also a good ending to my last period of my youth camp years. Other than the emotions and self-awareness that I personally went through during the 4 days 3 nights, I also realize one thing… that my body is getting old and unadaptable to the long sitting hours on the floor lol. Knee pain, backaches, and pain through the hips were pains that I never felt before even during my younger days. Well, it’s now understandable why youth camps stop at the age of 25 years old, it’s a sign and about time I retire from these camps lol. Here's a picture of my group, Limau Ais, expressing our pain from sitting on the floors for too long.

Nevertheless, can't share everything that I've been through during the camp, thus I would let the video below speak for itself. Enjoy!

1.40am.

Exactly 3 hours and 25 minutes ago, that 38th IDC post-mortem meeting was adjourned.

I can't believe that when I was leaving the BGF building, I'm not leaving as a participant anymore, but as a committee.

So, how do I feel now that everything is over? To be honest...

Nothing.

I felt nothing. Not knowing sure why.

I wished I knew the reason myself.

Maybe because I felt so numbed after that small "incident" that happen in KCBA? As I recalled back, I was quite traumatized because I felt a sense of negative aura or something eerie lingering around, before the actual incident happen.

So many IF's I told myself:

What IF I had gone to the toilet myself, without Pui Yen accompanying me?

What IF I left my phone in the activity hall, and decided to go take it myself?

What IF I became so kepoci, and decided to go out the balcony to see what were the dogs barking at?

Holy flying fox... I can't imagine what will happen to me. Like, seriously.

However, what matter most is that I'm still alive and breathing :)

On the other hand, I was fully aware that I was really quiet and self-conserve throughout the whole camp. Maybe I was trying to observe my thoughts during this different environment with different people, especially with so many things going on at the same time.

Perhaps, I was just being me.

* * *

"Why can't I put more than one colours into my glitter jar?" I asked.

"Because... you can only choose one," she said.

"But why can't I choose all?"

No one dared to answer.

Somehow, I felt a little bit disappointment because it wasn't a valid answer that I wanna accept. Okay, since I can't have all the colours, then, I'm gonna put 4 full spoons of this pink colour!

"Siew Lin!! That's too much!! 1 scoop it's enough!!" someone exclaimed.
Ish! Got caught red-handed. Feeling sad, I scooped back the liquid back into the container.

"Does the colours signify anything?" I questioned her further, somehow feeling annoyed because I can't have my own way.

She shrugged. "Don't know? Maybe it signifies the direction or goal that you want to focus in life? I think so la."

I began to ponder.

So does that mean that if I put many colours into my jar, it signifies that I'm being too ambitious and too greedy? Everything that I want, I must have in life?

* 

"Sis.Ching Wi...?"

"Hmm?"

"Do you think it's okay to be greedy? I mean, it's normal for human beings to be greedy, right? Especially when it comes to materialistic stuffs."

"Hmm.... "

"But, sometimes I find myself being too greedy when it comes to experience. I'm always greedy to learn everything and anything, and if there's something that I've never done it before, I would always want to learn it. Is that a bad thing?"

"Well... I think it's okay to be greedy when it comes to learning. As long as it makes you a better, and more positive person, right? There are endless opportunities to learn in life, so I believe there isn't a period when a person stops learning, because experiences helps you grow."