It's already mid November, the busiest period where by now, I'm suppose to be busy with my studies and assignment.
But I'm here in front of my comp, sulking and blaming on my self-esteem. About how ugly I am.
* * *
Honestly speaking, I have a very low self-esteem. The only thing I'm sensitive about, is my face. Sometimes, I really envy people who had smooth, clear face. I don't really care how fair or dark they are, but sometimes I really wish that I have a face like them. Pimple-free and scar-free face.
Unlike mine, scars almost every single corner of my imperfect face.
Sometimes, I really doubt myself. Sometimes, I even cried every single month because of my face.
Everyday I wake up, wishing that the scars would go away. But it never did.
It's there, forever.
And I hate it. I hate it when people talk about my face. I hate it when people tried to compare. I hate it when people start talking about face complexion and stuff.
And when they do, my heart will starts to sink. Sink so deep, that sometimes I wish I could disappear.
And I know. I know it when people whom I talk to, look at my face.
They're probably looking at how horrible my scars are. How imperfect my face are.
I know. Because I can look into their eyes.
* * *
Sometimes I even blame on my father. The blood and genes that made me. That made my face.
"Why did my mom married him?"
"Why did he have so much pimples and scars?"
But I stopped blaming. Because it's not their fault.
* * *
My friends ask me to go for treatments. Special treatments.
Of course, I did. I took special care of my face. But every single treatment I tried, it doesn't heals the scar away.
It's there, forever.
Sometimes, I even thought of going for plastic surgery. Just for the face. Just to get rid of the scars and pimples. But I thought to myself...
Does it change anything?
Will people judge me?
Will I start being a bitch?
Will my current friends judge, hate, and leave me?
What if?
* * *
"There are more people who have worst complexion than you."
Of course, everyone I know tells me that.
You think I don't think know?
You think I don't know how to be thankful to have a face?
I constantly tell and remind myself about people who had huge birthmark, accident scars, etc. on their face.
But how long do you think this reminder can last?
But I still try. Try to grabbed onto this reminder, and remind myself through the bad times.
* * *
When guys say that they won't see beauty, but only the personality. It's all a lie.
Bunch of assholes with their bullshit lies.
Sometimes, I even thought to myself.
Is it because of my face, that the guy I like, will never like me back?
That's why I cannot have them in the first place?
I'm not desperate for a boyfriend, but is there a reason why the guy I like, can never like me back?
I know. It's because of my face. Right?
Because I'm ugly. Right?
If it's not because of my face, maybe you'll have second thoughts. Right?
Yes. Of course.
Because I know.
It takes a miracle to have you.
* * *
*sigh*
But you know, after all this ranting and typing rigorously about my complaints on this posts.
I kinda feel better.
Sometimes I think back.
Every single person who is beautiful, will definately has its flaws.
I have the perfect eyes, averagely smart, sporting, considerate, helpful, average leadership qualities, etc.
(Let me syok sendiri for once larh hor)
And if I were to have the looks, I would probably start acting like a bitch / slut. And I would probably have irresistible ego-ness in me.
So, I guess, being ugly is not that bad after all.
For now, I'm constantly keeping myself so busy, that I wouldn't have to think about my face and/or relationships. Sometimes, it really helps.
But once I stop being busy, that's where the negative comes in again.
*sigh*
