I am beautiful.

I really am =)

You know, after some time, I really thought about it.

My face, I mean.

I really think there's no point being so negative about my imperfect face.

I'm gonna be stuck with this face for the rest of my life, so must as well make the best out of it.

I believe if I stop living my life in denial, I'll live a better life than anyone else.

I'm gonna love my imperfect face. Because it's beautiful =)

I believe if I'm more confident in myself, no matter how many people sees me, they wouldn't judge me because of my imperfect face, they would judge me based on my personality and confidence.

Since then, every time I look at myself in the mirror.

I always tell myself...

that I'm beautiful =)

It's already mid November, the busiest period where by now, I'm suppose to be busy with my studies and assignment.

But I'm here in front of my comp, sulking and blaming on my self-esteem. About how ugly I am.

* * *

Honestly speaking, I have a very low self-esteem. The only thing I'm sensitive about, is my face. Sometimes, I really envy people who had smooth, clear face. I don't really care how fair or dark they are, but sometimes I really wish that I have a face like them. Pimple-free and scar-free face.

Unlike mine, scars almost every single corner of my imperfect face.

Sometimes, I really doubt myself. Sometimes, I even cried every single month because of my face.

Everyday I wake up, wishing that the scars would go away. But it never did.

It's there, forever.

And I hate it. I hate it when people talk about my face. I hate it when people tried to compare. I hate it when people start talking about face complexion and stuff.

And when they do, my heart will starts to sink. Sink so deep, that sometimes I wish I could disappear.

And I know. I know it when people whom I talk to, look at my face.

They're probably looking at how horrible my scars are. How imperfect my face are.

I know. Because I can look into their eyes.

* * *

Sometimes I even blame on my father. The blood and genes that made me. That made my face.

"Why did my mom married him?"

"Why did he have so much pimples and scars?"

But I stopped blaming. Because it's not their fault.

* * *

My friends ask me to go for treatments. Special treatments.

Of course, I did. I took special care of my face. But every single treatment I tried, it doesn't heals the scar away. 

It's there, forever.

Sometimes, I even thought of going for plastic surgery. Just for the face. Just to get rid of the scars and pimples. But I thought to myself...

Does it change anything?

Will people judge me?

Will I start being a bitch?

Will my current friends judge, hate, and leave me?

What if?

* * *

"There are more people who have worst complexion than you."

Of course, everyone I know tells me that.

You think I don't think know?

You think I don't know how to be thankful to have a face?

I constantly tell and remind myself about people who had huge birthmark, accident scars, etc. on their face.

But how long do you think this reminder can last?

But I still try. Try to grabbed onto this reminder, and remind myself through the bad times.

* * *

When guys say that they won't see beauty, but only the personality. It's all a lie.

Bunch of assholes with their bullshit lies.

Sometimes, I even thought to myself.

Is it because of my face, that the guy I like, will never like me back?

That's why I cannot have them in the first place?

I'm not desperate for a boyfriend, but is there a reason why the guy I like, can never like me back?

I know. It's because of my face. Right?

Because I'm ugly. Right?

If it's not because of my face, maybe you'll have second thoughts. Right?

Yes. Of course.

Because I know.

It takes a miracle to have you.

* * *

*sigh*

But you know, after all this ranting and typing rigorously about my complaints on this posts.

I kinda feel better.

Sometimes I think back.

Every single person who is beautiful, will definately has its flaws.

I have the perfect eyes, averagely smart, sporting, considerate, helpful, average leadership qualities, etc.

(Let me syok sendiri for once larh hor)

And if I were to have the looks, I would probably start acting like a bitch / slut. And I would probably have irresistible ego-ness in me.

So, I guess, being ugly is not that bad after all.

For now, I'm constantly keeping myself so busy, that I wouldn't have to think about my face and/or relationships. Sometimes, it really helps.

But once I stop being busy, that's where the negative comes in again.

*sigh*

I flipped through the pages of an old diary and I manage to find this particularly journal entry dated back in 2006. It was my first D2YC camp that I've attended few years ago. And this was how it had changed my life.

P.S: Please pardon my spelling and grammar mistakes. I was dumb back then.

* * *

D2YC Camp

19th-24th December 2006 (Tuesday - Sunday)

it's my first time camping and I was pretty quite excited. Tracy and I are joining.

We gathered at the Asoka Hall. There was a lot of people. The registration night was the night when we say goodbye to our parents. My father was there (For those who didn't know, I wasn't close with my father). There was 106 people joining the camp. Everyone was sent to their own groups. There are 8 groups.

My group name is Samadhi. There are 13members in our group. A lot of lengzai's in my group (-.-"). I volunteered to be the group leader assistant. And the group leader was a lengzai name Melvin (not Melvin Seow).

We were suppose to wake up at 5.45am, do puja at 6.30am, morning exercise at 7am and have our morning breakfast at 7.30am. We continued to do this for 4 days.

The daily activities was very fun! Our group were given an egg, and we named it 'ZaiZai'. Every group has one egg. If broken, the group will have to minus marks. So, we were suppose to take care of it until the end of the camp. Unfortunately, I broke the egg on the 4th day of camp during the street party. I wasn't feeling very well that day, but my group forgave me.

The rules were quite strict especially during mealtimes (referring to 'Gua Tang Chi Fan'). Although it's strict, I learnt to be more well-mannered during mealtimes. I also learnt to be more independent, teamwork, self-disciplined, more active, and lastly be more confident in acting. Although, I didn't stand out much in some activities as a assistant.

During the street party night, I was sitting alone with Tracy and watching other people dance on the dance floor. The song titled 'The Start of Something New' by High School Musical played. Suddenly, a lengzai in orange shirt sat beside me. He looks familiar, I saw him somewhere before, but I didn't know his name. He told me to go have fun.

Sooner than I know, the lengzai in orange shirt was called Haw Lun (LOL).

I really love D2YC camp! And, I'm surely going to join next year (which I didn't).

Oh yeah, I forgot, on the first day, we were suppose to write short letters to our 'rabbits'. I only wrote once to my 'rabbit'. I'm actually the guardian angel, and the 'rabbit' that I have to write to was Lum Wai Leong. He was in the same group as me. But I didn't know that I'm his 'rabbit' and he is my guardian angel too. -.-"

Steffi

I used to think that we could be friends like... forever. But I don't believe in that anymore. The word FOREVER is such an overused word.

People tend to change overtime when we're apart from each other. And I believe we have our own beliefs to follow due to what we've been exposed to.

I'm tired of fighting. I'm tired of slapping sense into you for over the period of 7 years of our friendship. It's hard for me to not care, because I bloody do!

I'm always the one who is rebellious against your decisions because I really think it's stupid. And you'll always give me that excuse that I'm not open-minded or not sporting, and whatever shit excuses so that you can fulfill your own wish.

You never listen to me. NEVER.

Okay, maybe sometimes.

But not only that, your stupid friend blindly supports you sometimes. She gives in to you so easily, it just makes me wanna slap her bloody face.

Actually... I'm not sure whether I wanna walk away.

So, should I?

Like an idiot, why didn't I know?
Like an idiot, why did I let you go?
Like an idiot, my heart cries slowly
I know now
My love is only you

Even if my eyes look for you
Even if my heart pressures me
I didn't believe that it was love
I believed that I was lonely and had to lean on you

Let's not act like idiots
Let's not heart ache alone
When tears fell because of the pain
I'd become upset with my heart for being so weak

Do you know, that you are my love?
Do you know, that you fill my heart?
Like an idiot, I've just found out now
You, I call you

Because without you, I cannot live on.

. . .

So, it's game over.

For us.

"It's been 2 weeks now, and we're nowhere near being prepared for the competition," Katey complained.

"That's because you're not feeling it yet. The music. The emotions. The movements. Dancing with you it's like dancing with an iron-board," Javier commented.

Katey sigh.

"Closed your eyes," Javier continued. "Come on, closed it."

Katey hesitated but still closes her eyes.

Javiers puts his hands at Katey hips and slowly, and gently swayed her hips and body along to the music.

He stops. He knew she wasn't feeling it yet.

He moved behind her, and gently moved his hands from her hips to her...

"Do you have to be such a guy?!" Katey spouted, moving away from Javier.

Javier looked at Katey.

"Okay," said Javier,"Okay. Then, I'll be the girl."

He brushed his eyebrows with this thumb, sweeps his hair to the back, and pulled down his collar shirt to reveal his sexy shoulders. And he starts dancing, like a girl.

Katey laughs.

Everyone has a secret.

Friends, family, and relatives also has secrets.

Even saints and holy priest has secrets.

But the scariest thing is that...

you don't know them.

And they somehow hide it very well.

. . .

But if you have a chance, would you want know about that secret?

What if...

that secret is YOU.

. . .

Want to know my secret?

My secret is the "secret".

Confused?

That "secret" lies within the Chinese word "秘密".

And if you know me very well,

you should have known that my Mandarin is not even the standard of a standard 6 student, and I could only write standard 1 Chinese words.

But, being able to remember the word "秘密"??

Don't you think it's weird?

Yeah. I guess so.

Sometimes I wished to know what causes me to remember that word too.

The secret beneath the secret.

Sounds interesting, huh?

I wish I had know that secret too.

Some people can make you grow.

Some can grow old with you.

And others can only be in your memories forever.

They said that all types of wishes come true, both positively and negatively as long as you have wish and thought of it.

Whether it's the new outfit that you wished your boyfriend will buy for you, or thinking that it is impossible for you to travel to outstations...

As long as you have thought of it (either negatively or positively) and have strong faith in what you think, the universe will grant you your wish and your wish will come true.

"You are what you think. What you think is what you'll become."

So, if this is true. I just wanna believe in one thing that I really want to come true.

I just wanna...