Someone once told me that you can only dream of someone only when you have see them before.

It doesn't matter where or when, as long as you have a vivid memory of a person's face, body, or voice, it is possible for that person to be in your dreams.

But no one had ever told me the reason why they had to appeared in my dreams.

* * * 

I wished that it was actually you, but you didn't appear in my dreams.

Instead, it was him. Again.

But why? Didn't I gotten over him already?

Maybe it's because, I haven't seen you much as I should have.

But instead, I've seen him, talked to him, listened to him as much as I could remember.

Yet, I'm still trying to forget and delete him from every trace of my memory.

But I can't.

It's already there.

But,

would you come in to my dreams?

Come in to my dreams and take me away?

Take me away in your dreams so that I can be in your memories forever...

* * *

♥ Tu me manques ♥

If you wanna do something, go all the way.

Same goes with relationships,

if you wanna love someone, love them all the way.

You can't just love person-X half-heartedly,

and go to person-Y telling them that you miss them.

Love doesn't work like that.

At least for me.

My feelings and heart is not for you to play with.

Is either you get things straight, or you don't do it at all.

Don't toy with me. I'm not a toy to play with.

* * *

"Sometimes you have to walk away from people,

* * *

I'm sorry, but I've decided to stop caring about you.

You were just another piece of my memories.

Wow. I can't believe it! It has all come to an end! :(

From Malaysia to Thailand, South Korea, Shanghai and lastly, Taiwan!

They said that the only thing you should do when you're young, especially during your university days, is to travel. And yes, I believe that's true. Because there's so much exposure out there you can get compared to what you read in textbooks and watch on television. The different culture values and practices just left me at awe!

Before I knew I was about to travel to so many places, I came across this Chinese Feng Shui article which says that," the year of the horse 2014 is a suitable year to travel for those born in the year of the monkey. But precaution must be taken for unforeseen circumstances."

Yes, I was born in the year of the monkey. And throughout the entire traveling experience, I had to go through that $@&$&@# experience of FLYING. And in between, you have to hear news like MH370, MH170, the sinking Korean ship, and another few more planes going missing and crashing.

That's like wtf? I rarely swear, but it's literally a wtf kind-of-thing for a person like me who has FEAR for heights. I know FEAR only occurs in the mind, but can you imagine I have to fly 8 ducking times?! I swear I almost caused an heart attack to the person sitting beside of me. =.=

But I'm pretty glad I'm back on land. *kisses the floor*

And thank the deities that me and my friends are safe and sound.

Each different trip has taught me varies different things. From emotional healing to finding myself, and even the skills to bargain! But there's just too much for me to write about, and I don't know where to begin with LOL! So, I'm just gonna write a summary on what I've learnt throughout my traveling trip in Asia.

Here it goes:

Traveling had taught me...

1. that traveling is E-X-P-E-N-S-I-V-E

It's not just on traveling costs, but also on the cost on food and shopping. Now I truly understand why my parents rarely buy stuff from overseas and why they always bring in snacks like bread, and cup noodles overseas. It's so that I don't have to waste money on breakfast and supper. But other than that, I know I'm currently in a BIGGER debt than I already am =.= *if you know what I mean*

2. to pack within 30 minutes

I think it's also partly due to the many camps I have attended, which also taught me how to pack light and easy. So there's no such things as hair dryers and unnecessary stuff I don't need.

3. that they'll be always conflicts within the traveling group

Different people with different conflict of interest. It's bound to happen especially when traveling with large groups of people. There were petty arguments and dissatisfactions among my family and friends, but I guess the only solution to this is only tolerance and compromising. You also tend to find out some disgusting and annoying habits about the other person.

4. the skills to bargain!

Well, just making good use of my stage acting skills and voice colouring to ask for discounts. TEEHEE! Just need to be thick skin abit :p

5. the different culture values and practices in each country

In Taiwan, people love their dogs as much as they love their own babies. The people there have much etiquettes, consideration, and basic manners.  

In Korea, fashion, beauty, and technology are very much important to these people.

In Thailand, the people are much polite, nice, and calm, and the average education qualification for a person is a Masters. Oh. My. Goat!

In Shanghai (China), nobody gives a duck whether you're dead or alive. If you can't speak Mandarin, you're probably dead here.

These are the 5 major things I've learnt so far during my traveling experiences. I think there are plenty more, but I'm just lazy to think right now. So emotionally, mentally, and physically drained and tired after all that traveling.

So, what's next after this?
I guess I'm gonna stop traveling overseas for awhile until I settle my bad debts lol... And also another reason for me to STAY AWAY from flying for awhile, until the aviation industry disaster thingy starts to cool down.


Where do I plan to travel to in the future?
Vietnam. India. South Africa. Or any parts of Europe!
If I had the chance (and the budget), I would definitely wanna go backpacking to countries which had lesser privileges like us and are known for their poverty and tribe. It's probably the biggest culture shock I will definitely receive, and I like that.




Travelling had taught me a lot of things, things that I'll definitely cherish, and memories that I'll definitely remember for the rest of my life.

"But keep in mind one very important thing:

If you love someone, then your one and only job is to make that person happy.

If you don’t believe you can make him or her happy, then accept the fact that it will never work."

-Paul Hudson from Elite Daily

"I miss you..." I said.

There was a long pause, but he calmly answered,"Hmm... Why orh?"

"I don't know," I broke down. "Of so many people, I have to miss you the most."

* * *

Remember back then in your car?

It was that night....

... that I missed your presence.

I miss the look on your face when I gave you your favourite chocolates... 

... and that ridiculous arm wrestling we did in the car.

Wow. So unromantic of us.

But it doesn't matter.

Because true enough, I still miss that moment of us.

I miss us.

I miss you.

But I'm not sure whether you miss me too.

* * *

I should have taken that advantage to spend the rest of my night with you that night.

But I didn't. I don't know why.

You know, I used to be so girly back then.

Wearing short frenzy skirts and looking out for cute guys and all...

Laughing and giggling like any normal girls do.

But then it stopped.

I don't know why.

Guys outfits became my style back then,

and true enough. I was a tomboy.

And maybe because I got my heart trenched in so many situations,

that the only option left for me,

is to only depend on me.

And now, there's the girly side of me again.

Skirts, shorts, and dresses became my style again,

but the giggling and laughing stop.

I stop looking at guys now.

No matter how handsome they are, I won't bother flirting with them.

* * *

It's so weird.

Knowing that guys like girls being dependent on them,

because it makes them feel like they are their 'hero'.

But for all this while I've been depending on myself and no one else.

It's so hard to find my 'hero' when I am my own hero.

I'm probably the most coldest girl ever.

Of course I do like girly things, but I'm just too manly enough to not express it.

Maybe because of that, I hardly let down my guards and walls, and show the need for anything.

To anyone ever.

Maybe one day I will,

but to whom I'm not sure.

Maybe I don't need a hero,

I need a sidekick.

A kick-ass sidekick.

So,

would you be that sidekick for me?

Well, this very well summed up the end of my 3-month gap. During this duration, I've spent much more time on SELF-DISCOVERY. From food allergies to my lack of self expression, and on certain grey areas which I never knew about myself until much confrontation.

I've been self-reflecting a lot (one of my most favourite hobby I found out). Thinking a lot. On many factors which is stopping myself from expressing my feelings.

There's so many factors. You can read it here.

From a broken childhood experience, to people who have shut me out completely. But that's the way I am. It had already groomed me into this person today. Am still learning how to let go of myself, but it's gonna be very VERY hard. Because, not only I'm PRETENDING to be myself, but also I can't just do that to everyone I meet. How much I express also depends on who you are to me. Trust me, I can't simply just express myself like that.

Plus, this is also the first time that I chose to go jobless for 3 months, to complete my final year project, which is just halfway done (FML -_-). I like WORKING, but not working for 3 months is unbearable! Thinking about not earning a single cent, and eating grass for my next uni semesters is so......... DEADLY.

But somehow at the end of my 3rd month, I manage to land myself a job. A very well payed one and a good working exposure that can land me a good career. However, this also means that I have to change the way I communicate with my colleagues and the way I lead my people. Guess my servant leadership skills won't work at this current situation. I need to be more authoritative and take responsibility in every decision I make.

Not only that, exposing myself to different cultures is definitely a plus point especially at my current age. They say traveling opens up your eyes to the world, and it definitely did. The different countries I've travelled to are all beautiful. And flying a lot has made forced me to go through my fear for heights. But even after all that flying, I still HATE FLYING. It's STILL FUCKING SCARY !!! Especially when you watched the plane wings keep WOBBLING as if it's gonna GO OFF at any moment!!

But then again, at the end of the day, what I'm truly blessed is that I have met wonderful people, teachers/lecturers, friends, and Kalyana Mitras who had walked in to my life, inspired me, taught me, understand me, and financially/physically/mentally helped me. Although there are people who had walked out of my life, there's a very good reason why they weren't supposed to stay.

I honestly feel that I'm the luckiest person in the world, but I couldn't have gotten any luckier, if I hadn't met all of YOU. So, thank you :')

Welcome back to reality, Siew Lin.

Welcome back to Malaysia.

The last thing I ever wanna have is a long distance relationship.

Trust me. Commitment is one thing, but it's more than just commitment that makes the relationship worthwhile.

It's been 3 months.

3 months since I knew him.

But the distances is killing me.

He's so near, but yet so far.

Ugggghhhhh!!! Whyyyyyyyyyy?!?!

And, as I continue to wait. And wait. And wait to what seems forever,

one day, if I ever get to see him one day...

I'll run into his arms and hug him as if I've knew him my whole life.

But until then... I continue to wait...

... and wait.

I was sleeping on the bed. At someone's house.

I was deep asleep because I felt so drained and tired that I just wanted to sleep.

But you came in and you came to my side, lightly touching me.

I was annoyed that you were disturbing my sleep but I was yearning for you to be here with me.

I wrapped my arms around your neck, bringing you closer to me. You started to say something, but nothing is going through my head because I just wanted to sleep. But I felt so safe at the moment, knowing that you were here with me.

 

You started lifting me up from my bed and you carried me in your arms.

You walked out from the room, with me lying against your shoulder, sleeping.

You kept walking and walking, with my arms still around your neck.

I don't know where I was going, but I didn't really care because I was just so tired.

We entered a dark room, and I felt my body being lowered onto a bed.

And I felt something moving beside me. It was you.

You wrapped your arms around me and brought me closer to you in a spooning position.
For a moment, it felt so comfortable to be by your side, knowing that you're there.

Your warmth and closeness gave me so much security that I felt like I was fading into another dream.

Suddenly, I felt your presence was slowly disappearing.

I turned around and I saw...

... nothing there.

I realized that I'm lacking of personal expression.

I'm recently getting that a lot from my friends, including one special friend of mine.

I have seriously, no idea why.

Honestly, if I knew that I'm like this, why didn't I bother to change myself for all these while?

I have friends who are starting to bug me to express myself more often, and stuff like this, but I don't think it'll work.

I'm a less sympathetic, warm, gentle, and kind person. It was to my horror when I found out about these traits of mine. Really, am I? Maybe I'm sympathetic, warm, gentle, and kind towards animals, but not to people? But, why?

Maybe because of this, I don't have much closed friends, and even if I do, I won't be the first person whom they'll wanna rely on in terms of feelings and emotions. Does this very much explain why my feelings can never get through people whom I very much care about?

I'm not sure, but I think I finally knew why.

It must be my past experience. My past painful childhood experience.

It must be the memories that had already scared me for life.

It must be the people whom I had expressed so much to, but they had decided to leave me out of their life.

It must be... of so many factors which I'm still trying to figure it out WHAT.

But it might be also factors that never exist for me to talk about myself?

It must be the wrong timing and at the wrong place to let myself out?
Place and timing is important to set the emotion and feelings down.

It must be that no one had ever ask about me?
Why? Who? Where? What? When? How?
But no one had bother tried asking.

But it might also be the problem with ME.

I shut people out. I hide my feelings.

So much feelings that I hide, that I'm so afraid to show it to people.

So much feelings that I hide, that when I couldn't take it anymore, I have frequent emotional breakdowns.

When people ask, I always say NOTHING, but I know there's always something which I wanna tell.

But, why didn't I tell?

What's stopping me from telling?
Maybe I'm just scared to get hurt?

I seriously... DON'T. KNOW.

* * *

Maybe it's time that I open-up my heart and and speak up more through my heart.

To my people at least. It wouldn't be fair to them if I don't.

It's time that I learn how to forgive, love, and believe in myself.

I guess it's time to really show....

who I'm really am.

* * *

But if you start commenting that I'm still not expressing much about myself...

FUCK YOU lah.

This is who I'm really am.

I had enough of pleasing people so much, that I don't even know who or what am I myself.

So, this is me. Accept it or fuck off.