Dear Journal, (Journal sounds more masculine, don't you think?)

First of all, you must be wondering why a guy would keep a journal right? The reason I have you is because I need something to reveal my innermost thoughts and secrets to but I can't tell a living soul. I, Kim Jae Duc, have a terrible, dark secret. Besides my parents and the doctors, you're the only thing that knows the truth about me.

I am going to DIE.

I can't believe it. I'm still so young but now I have to face the harsh reality that I'm going to die soon. Oh my God, why me? One day I was healthy like a lamb, the next day I found out I was going to die. It was supposed to be one of those glorious summers days but when I just woke up and got out of bed-ow, that pain again.

It felt like something was eating my insides and it was slowly moving it's way toward my back. At first I thought the aches and pain came from my dancing but then I realised how much worse it got at night. I've been trying to avoid the pain and I've been really good at working around it but suddenly today the pain struck. It hurt so badly. I was dancing and suddenly this deep, excruciating burst of pain caused me to double over and black out. When I came to, I'm lying right here in this hospital bed and that's why I'm writing to you right now. The first noise I heard was someone crying. I recognised that voice anywhere. It was my mommy.

Oh God.

Whatever it is, I've got it bad. I know it's not for certain but the first thing that came to my mind is that I'm going to die. The doctors already ran some tests and this sonogram on me so I'll know the results in the morning. I don't want to think about this anymore. I need to think about something else that will take my mind off it.

Seo Hye Young. I wonder what she's doing right now. Is she thinking about me?

Very unlikely.

She's been yearning for Jae Jin the past 4 years already, she doesn't even know that I existed. But wait, she was there when I fainted. I wonder if she'll be one of those Florence Nightingale nurses and heal me with her love. Hee hee.

Ouch.

I think I'll go to sleep now. Good night and see you in the morning.

Love, Duckie

***

June 10

Pancreatic/Liver Cancer.

That's what I've been diagnosed with. Oh my gawd, I don't believe it. I do have a real disease and I'm going to die from it. When I checked my stomach, the skin was still smooth and intact. But I kept thinking that there's going to be this little alien (like in the movies) that's going to pop out any minute now and it's going to kill me.

The tumour had already spread to my liver and around my pancreas and I've reached Stage III. No operation can be done for me and no medicine in the world will save me.

Those fucking doctors.(Pardon my French)

How can I reach Stage III without anyone noticing or detecting that there is something wrong with me? But it's my fault that I didn't go to the doctor sooner. And now, I must pay for my mistakes. That's so unfair! I can't die yet! I still haven't asked Hye Young out and I still haven't opened my dance school. I never felt so hopeless in my life.

Today, just to distract myself, I thought of Hye Young. When I think about it, there isn't anything remarkable about her looks, she was just ordinary. Long black hair, 2 brown eyes, 1 nose, a mouth and around 5'.

Overall, just average.

But I did fall in love with her the moment we met. It was her kind and gentle heart that captured my own. It was 4 years ago and I was practicing some new moves I created. I think I showed off too much and my ankle snapped when I was doing my back-down dance. Hye Young appeared out of nowhere and she fixed it for me.

And that moment, in my head I heard a choir singing and a mist surrounded Hye Young as if heaven was welcoming her. Seo Hye Young was an angel.

My angel.

But too soon I came to learn that she came looking for Jae Jin. I know she's my best friend's girl and she's off limits but my heart won't let me stop loving her. I'm getting a headache from all this. I'm going to take a nap now.

Laters, Jae Duc.

***

June 11

Hi Choom Ggoon!

I've decided to give you a name instead of calling you 'journal'. It's my nickname that my friends had given me and since I can't tell myself that, I'll call you that now. :)

Jin came to visit me today. I know I should sound more enthusiastic about it since he's my best friend and all, but I was disappointed that Hye Young wasn't there. As if Jae Jin could read my mind, he informed me that Hye Young would be visiting me when I come home tomorrow.

Yikes!

Did he know? He couldn't have possibly guessed it, I've been too discreet about my secret crush on Hye Young. Still, I couldn't help but feel that I've betrayed my best friend. Jae Jin spend the whole day with me, filling me in what I've missed and all but I kept pondering him with questions about Hye Young. I tried to make myself less obvious and nonchalant as possible but I talk too much for my own sake. Let's just see what happens tomorrow. I think I'll end this entry here.

Me, the Quackster

***

June 12

HyeYoungcametoseeme!HyeYoungcametoseeme!HyeYoungcametoseeme! Hold on, let me catch my breath. I'm getting too excited over this simple, friendly gesture. Now that I've calmed down a bit, let me tell you what happened Choom Ggoon. Hye Young came to see me! Yes, me!

Can you believe it?

I couldn't either but when I came home today she was already at my house with flowers. Well, she wasn't the only one there because all the guys in QuickSilver and a few other friends from school were there too. But still, it doesn't matter to me. Hye Young was there.

Everybody was unusually nice to me and pretends that nothing is going on but I did overhear the doctors telling my parents to go on with our normal daily life as if nothing happened.

Qucksilver.

Those bastards. Always forgetting my birthday on purpose but today they showered me with gifts like there's no tomorrow. Jeez. The best gift they give me is a few minutes alone with Hye Young. I wanted to talk to her.

No! It's not what you're thinking. I may seem easy-going and talkative and there's this sickness in my hands that's making my life run short, but I'm still not ready to confess my undying love for her yet. Maybe I'll say that tomorrow but not today. There are too many people at my house and I can't stand the embarrassment of being rejected.

Everyone stayed pretty late and Hye Young was the last to leave. I wailed her to the door and she blessed me with the news of visiting me tomorrow. Hopefully tonight I'll see her in my dreams.

Yours truly, Duckie

***

June 13

Choon Ggoom!

You won't believe what happened today! I know, so many surprises huh? Hye Young told me she loves me! Can you believe it? I'm going in a wild frenzy right now at this unexpected confession. I'm going delirious and overjoyed beyond my wildest imagination. I've always dreamed of Hye Young someday saying those words but now that she has, I just don't know how to take it.

I asked about Jae Jin and she told me that they were just friends now and I'm not that bad guy! Yay!

So should I just close my eyes and plunge right in or give it some time? No, I really can't give it time. The grains of sand in my hourglass are running out fast and every minute is precious to me. Hye Young was so sweet, she didn't pressure me to say that I love her back (although I do) and she said that she'd give me some time. I don't think, I know I'm in love. More updates later.

Mr.Seo Hye Young (hee hee)

***

June 13 thru June 18

This whole week had been my dream of an ideal heaven. I spent every waking moment with Hye Young. She was just so cute! She took me to the mall, ice-skating and even raving! I can't remember when I had this much fun. Hye Young had even kissed me several times during our dates.

(Jeez, I'm blushing right now just telling you this :))

At first I was so surprised to say or do anything but after a while I began to open up and kissed her back. It felt completely natural as if I've been kissing her my whole life. I think I just discovered what the meaning of life is.

Seo Hye Young.

Up until now, I haven't realized what it felt like to be fulfilled and be truly happy. I guess when you don't have much time you cherish it more now. Things with Hye Young are going along so well now that I would hate to see it end. My outlook for the future is really bleak and fleeting. But you never know, you might be hearing some wedding bells soon. I gotta go call Hye Young now and make plans for tomorrow. Sorry this entry isn't long.

Bye!

Duckie

***

June 19

I hate Lee Jae Jin and Seo Hye Young. That ===== and that stupid =====. Sorry Choom Ggoon. I had to scratch out those cuss words. They don't really deserve that from me. But I can't believe them! Let me tell you what happened. Today Hye Young took me to Lotte World and it started out wonderful but it ended in disaster.

My heart was broken. :(

Anyway, we were heading on home and Hye Young said she needed to go to the bathroom real quick. I waited for her but after a while, I got worried so I looked for her. I saw her talking to Jae Jin and they must have not see me come closer to them.

My senses have become dull but my hearing was sharpened. I overheard them talking about how their plan is going well to make my days better. Hye Young had pretended to like me all this time. It felt like someone had stab me with a thousand knives.

I don't want their damn pity!

I strode over to them and gave them a piece of my mind. Then, I ran home. They had called several times and I hung up on them each time. I don't ever want to see them again. Never would be too soon for me. I never felt so betrayed in my life. My best friend and my only love scheming against me. I think I'll go cry myself to sleep now. G'nite.

Jae Duc.

***

June 20

Sorry Choom Ggoon. Tonight I don't feel too well. I can hardly hold up this pen to write. I haven't heard from those two people yet so I don't have any news to fill you in with. I'll be heading off to bed now. Talk to you later.

Kim Jae Duc

***

June 21 thru June 28

[The missing entries]

***

June 29

My dearest Choom Ggoon,

Don't you think that I've been neglecting you. The night that I wrote to you the merciless pain hit hard and I was rushed to the hospital immediately. They did an anagram and a laparatomy on me. The pain was unbearable. The anagram made me stick tubes in my veins and the laparatomy is the exploratory examination where they had to cut me open.

Now I've got holes and stitches everywhere. But you know what? During my hallucination, I could have sworn I saw Hye Young in the operating room but I don't think she's allowed in. Maybe I miss her too much and I'm seeing things. After the operation, I look like a freak, but luckily, I still have my hair. I forgot to mention to you that patients diagnosed with this type of cancer have a life span of 3 weeks to 3 months.

Not very long huh?

And I've already wasted...how long? I have no idea because I didn't check with the doctor soon enough to find out when the cancer had spread. This silent disease is now eating me away. I could go any day now. These long days that I had spent in the hospital bed, I kept replaying the scene of Jae Jin and Hye Young in my head over and over again. Two people in the world that I loved the most hurt me more than this cancer ever could. I don't want to think about them anymore and right now, you're my only friend.

No one understands what I'm going through. They don't know what it feels like living each day wondering if it's going to be their last. Well, that's it from me now. Bye bye...

Duckie

***

June 30

Hye Young came by today. I didn't want to see her though. I specifically told my mommy that I wanted no visitors, but when Hye Young left, my mommy came in with this card from her. I threw it into the corner, not bothering to even read it. It's probably one of those 'Dear Abby' letters, begging me for forgiveness. I want nothing to do with her anymore.

I hate Seo Hye Young and Lee Jae Jin.

Wait, I take that back. Hate is such a strong word. To be honest Choom Ggoon, I still love them both but I'm not ready to forgive them for what they did. It was deceitful and down-right wrong.

My mommy brought breakfast in bed for me today. I felt so bad just looking at her. I loved my parents dearly and this whole time I've been neglecting them. I was so selfish, thinking only about myself and not them. My parents seem to age these past few weeks worrying over me but I just told them how much I love them both. My mommy's choking sobs and daddy's proud face let me know that they understood.

Later on I overheard them whispering to each other about how I'm going downhill so fast. How much weaker I was and how much paler I was becoming. I don't care. (I know I'm being selfish again) I don't give a damn about anything anymore. I just want to die right now and not listen to all this crap. Ironically, what I really wanted is more time to sort out my feelings and figure out how to solve this whole mess. I'm just going to sleep on it now Choom Ggoon.

Thanks for listening.

Duckie

***

July 1

I want to live. Up until yesterday, I didn't have a chance to acknowledge that it's my unconditional right to live. My cancer must have spread to my brain or something because it made a hella cranky and less understanding. Last night a startling revelation came to me.

So what if Jae Jin and Hye Young tricked me? They were only doing it because they loved me as much as I loved them. I called Jae Jin and apologized for acting like such a jerk. He accepted it graciously like any good friend would. Now all I have left to do is confess my love to Hye Young. It was an abrupt decision on my part but I had no choice. I was desperate and I'm running out of time.

It doesn't matter to me anymore whether or not she loves me back but at least I told her. I will say the words that I've been hiding inside me for so long and reveal the truth. I love Seo Hye Young. Yes, I will definitely tell her that I love her Choom Ggoon and I will NOT back out. Yes, I will tell her I love her. Tomorrow.

Duckie

*~*~*~*

That was the last entry written by Kim Jae Duc. He never did tell Seo Hye Young that he loved her. He had died unexpectedly that night during his endless slumber. His mother had come in to check up on him, but she found her son's body had become cold and lifeless. He had died with the regret of not telling Hye Young that he loved her because Jae Duc's tomorrow never came.

If he had only opened that letter Hye Young had given him, he would have known the truth about her. Inside the envelope was Hye Young's confession that she had been secretly in love with Jae Duc the past 3 years. The first year she had dated Jae Jin but during that time her feelings had changed and Jae Jin knew it too. Hye Young still came in to Quicksilver's practice though, but only to see Jae Duc.

He brought laughter into her lonely life and upon hearing the news that Jae Duc had a terminal illness, Hye Young was but a fraction of her former self. She didn't care that Jae Duc had cancer, she just wanted to know if he had love her or not, and she wanted to spend his last remaining days with him.

So many 'ifs', yet they weren't carried out. If only one of them had made the move first, there could have been infinite possibilities for Jae Duc and Hye Young, even though their time together will be severed short. But now, we'll never know. You must be wondering how do I know that Hye Young loved Jae Duc too? The answer really is simple.

I am Seo Hye Young.

The End

Author's Note : some words are censored